To make it through my Ph.D., I had to escape ‘grad student guilt’

For just a moment, my mind was quiet. The incessant, bleak internal monologue was silenced. Clinging to the climbing wall by my fingers and toes, using every muscle to stay aloft, I wasn’t thinking about my Ph.D. research or the past 4 years of stress, failure, anger, and depression. I wasn’t ruminating, catastrophizing, stewing in my pit of negative thoughts. I was only thinking about what I was doing in that moment. This was exactly what I needed, what I’d been seeking for so long.

That misplaced self-assurance allowed the stress of grad school to sneak up on me, bringing overwhelming anxiety, then burnout, and eventually depression. Along the way, GSG kept me from easing off or addressing the challenges I was facing. I viewed my research project as mine alone. I believed its problems were my problems and only I could solve them—a view that peers and mentors reinforced. Any time an experiment failed I felt guilty because I had wasted time and money.

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