Things I No Longer Have Room for as a Mother

So much of who I was—my daily habits, my identifying clothing—had to get thrown away in making room to become a mother. What’s left of me now shares space with my son, and as a result my mental capacity has been reduced from a decent three-bed, two-bath apartment to, at best, a tenement studio. The one advantage of this new limited space is that what can and can’t come in is now very clear.

The deep down of it, though, is that all I can think about when I look at Harry Styles is how much I would have loved him when I was twenty-one and how certain I am that he would have hurt my feelings. From my middle-aged-mom perch, all I can think is: Sorry, but I am not falling for it, Harry Styles.The one meal I actually know how to make is breakfast. Why did I ever need to wait in line for someone to make it for me? Well, O.K.

I can only look at, like, three TikTok videos before I stagger backward, gobsmacked. How are all these people performing their lives with this level of? I think at age forty-six I just feel a bit performed out, maybe because so much of my recent non-TikTok life—specifically, being a mother and having to pretend I know what I’m doing—has felt like one long, unending show. ♦

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