Photo-Illustration: Preeti Kinha; Photos: Getty Images You don’t have to cry for me, but listen: trying to make new friends as an adult is the hardest thing I have ever attempted. Harder than multiple colonoscopies? Yes. Harder than listening to the dentist pry my tooth bone away from my jawbone while I lie there wide awake? Also yes!
A few years ago , my lady and I went to her friend’s costume wedding and — I know you already know this, but let me just say it for anyone who is new or still has a shred of hopefulness in their heart — I did not wear a costume.
RBG sits down next to me at the table, and my lady is off being charming and laughing with her head tossed back, because these are the adulthood friends she’s acquired through various Parent Teacher Associators and Slumber Party Coordinators, circles I don’t have access to.
Bob’s Burgers, the littlest one toddling around in a pink bunny hat. I poured mini boxes of Milk Duds into the kids’ outstretched pillowcases and made small talk, trying to come up with a smooth segue into asking Emily if she was in the market for a new best friend. “It was great to see you!” she said, drifting toward the sidewalk.
Emily showed up to the empty restaurant, and I heaved a huge sigh of relief. I mean, that’s the biggest hurdle, right? Just getting someone to put on pants for you? I don’t remember what she ordered, but I do remember that I was brave enough to order edamame with sriracha salt to start, and by “brave” I mean “foolish,” because it was way too hot for me and I had to fake that I actually enjoy eating flavored foods.
The oxygen was instantly sucked out of the fucking room. You could hear a mouse fart. The waiter’s face, while sweet, looked confused. I registered it immediately and searched the table for something to cut my throat with.
“Are you familiar with my work?” What kind of fucking asshole says shit that way? It echoed off the walls of my brain, mocking me. Dude, I don’t even talk like that. I meet people all the time who breathlessly come up to me like “HI, I LOVE YOUR STUFF” and I play it cool , and then they shout “BAD FEMINIST REALLY CHANGED MY LIFE” right before their husband uses his phone to capture the exact moment my heart breaks in half like Ralph’s in the “I Choo-Choo-Choose You” episode of The Simpsons.
We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
22 People Share The Worst Thing They've Seen Someone Do At A Funeral, And I'm Dumbfounded'They pulled the body out of the casket and propped it up to take a photo with it.' 1: At my Uncle’s funeral, the worker couldn’t get the inside crank to lower the body deeper into the casket so they could fully close the lid. So after 3 bounces of the lid they finally settled on letting it rest on his face, slightly open from the sides. No one noticed but me. 2: At my Aunt’s funeral they sang Amazing Grace and tried to sing the second verse...that no one in the choir knew. Imagine people mumbling random words to music in a packed church. The music stopped abruptly and we moved on like nothing. I had to walk out b/c I was laughing. do something better than judge people who can’t/are awkward with grief. Seriously.
Source: BuzzFeed - 🏆 730. / 51 Read more »
Celeb stylist shares 'worst' stars she's worked with - giving brutal ratingsA stylist has revealed which celebrities she thinks are the best and worst to work with, including Jennifer Lopez, George Clooney and Jessica Alba Oh dear... DailyMirror I worked with whats-her-face. Nightmare it was, nightmare. For clout of course
Source: Mirror Celeb - 🏆 476. / 51 Read more »
Kelly Clarkson says she's not 'the worst mom ever' after dyeing daughter's hair, ensures it's safeKelly Clarkson Says She's Not 'The Worst Mom Ever' After Dyeing 6-Year Old Daughter's Hair (via Fox411) Fox411 Princess dye Fox411 Why would u dye your kids hair I would never mess with perfection Fox411 Slow news day?
Source: TMZ - 🏆 379. / 59 Read more »
'I don't want to fly again': Surviving India's worst crash in 10 yearsSeated on the last row of the plane, Muhammed Junaid sensed something was amiss when Air India Express flight IX 1344 from Dubai was jerked around by strong winds as it approached the southern Indian city of Kozhikode late on Friday. Pray that we look into all the causes and ensure that such a tragedy does NOT recur.. Come on, air travel is worth it. The death and destruction are part of the charm. In Alaska a women survived falling 33,000 feet out of an airplane.
Source: Reuters - 🏆 2. / 97 Read more »
Fact check: U.S. GDP drop in 2020's second quarter is the worst in modern historyClaims that the recent fall in GDP is the worst since the Great Depression are correct, but it's really worse than that. Wonk wonk you suck Thank a Democrat how does that compare to the rest of the world? my guess better than the rest or you would have put it in the trash you just wrote
Source: USATODAY - 🏆 100. / 63 Read more »
Lufthansa Books Worst Loss in History, Says Air Travel Will Take 4 Years To RecoverChief executive Carsten Spohr added: “We do not expect demand to return to pre-crisis levels before 2024. Especially for long-haul routes, there will be no quick recovery.” Airline stonks 📉📉📉
Source: MarketWatch - 🏆 3. / 97 Read more »