The Woman Pushing to Keep Her Relationship Open

Photo-Illustration: James Gallagher This week, a sex educator plays with her new toys while wondering about the official status of her two-year relationship: 27, in a relationship, Brooklyn.7:15 a.m. I slept like shit. Last night, I ate an entire bag of potato chips before bed and had a stomachache all night. Why did I do that?

11 a.m. I’m on a Zoom about a serum that is supposed to make one’s clitoris tingle. Call me a purist, but can’t a tongue do that just the same? 3 p.m. I’ve been thinking about going online to find a female lover. The queer thing, for me, is sort of like the open thing: It’s only in words, not practice. I identify as queer even though I generally sleep with only men. I dated a woman on and off before meeting Z. That sort of just fizzled, but the sex was mind-blowing. I’d like to meet a woman I can experiment with.

I wanted an open relationship because I know myself and that I’m very sexual. As for Z, he agreed to it without really thinking about it, I think.10 a.m. Today’s Zoom is about anal beads and butt plugs. No judgment, but not my thing. One nice thing about my vanilla boyfriend is that he isn’t trying to eat my ass. The whole world under age 30 is eating ass on the reg.

10 a.m. Over coffee, I start the open-relationship conversation again. I decide to go for honesty. I tell him that I’m curious about our boundaries and that I downloaded a dating app and might want to start fooling around with other people, specifically women. 3 p.m. I’m walking around the neighborhood alone and, again, trying to figure out what the fuck I want and don’t want. Are a few nights with F worth hurting Z? Shouldn’t I be allowed to do what I want? Is it time to grow up and understand what it means to be responsible for someone else’s wants and needs?9 p.m. I get a little reading in and go to bed alone and worried. I haven’t heard from Z since our lunch, which ended badly.

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