, which was something I wanted but had never mentioned to him and thus a very memorable gift.” — Erin Schwartz,If You Weren’t the First to Know
It may be tempting to feel bad if your child comes out to their friends or teacher or favorite uncle before you, but it makes sense that they would share big news with a lower-stakes audience first. Tread lightly if you hear about it from a third party. Zaid, a nonbinary 17-year-old, was outed to their mother last year. “She was supportive but confused,” Zaid says, and they felt frustrated that their mother didn’t simply ask how she could support her child.
Texting something this important might seem counterintuitive, but we spoke to several people who chose to tell relatives about a transition this way, especially when they wanted to limit confrontation or debate. Raydra Hall put her conservative family members in a group text. “I said, ‘Okay, this is a change. This is his new name and pronouns. If you have any questions, call me personally and talk to me.’” It was important to her that her son’s gender identity was not “open for discussion.
“Even though at first it was really hard for my grandmother, she honors my name and my pronouns now. That’s a signal to me that she loves me really deeply,” Dev says. “Don’t assume that someone will never come around because a lot of times they will.”Several families talked about how meaningful it was to volunteer together for affirming organizations.
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