The Mom Who Kept the Cremated Remains From Her Abortion in Her Purse

Because no two paths to parenthood look the same, the Cut’s How I Got This Baby invites parents to share their stories. Want to share yours? Email gotbaby@thecut.com and tell us a bit about how you became a parent.

I was also the late bloomer among my friends, so I got to have a glimpse into the future of what parenthood might look like for me by watching my friends. None of them seemed to lose themselves completely to motherhood. They seemed, at least to me, to exist outside of motherhood, while also being very mindful and present parents. The idea of becoming a mother seemed a lot more possible and desirable.

On deciding what to do. We spent about a week with sleepless nights, reading medical journals, getting second and third opinions. We met with a number of specialists. I live in L.A., so it’s a very liberal atmosphere — the doctors gave me very candid advice. I asked them what they would advise their sister to do in my position. They all said, If you were my sister, I’d advise you to terminate and try again.

On getting pregnant again. About three months later, we did try again. I got pregnant again right away. We tried not to let the emotions take over while we went to appointments, while we gathered as much information as we could. But bubbling underneath I was at a breaking point. My mom really felt like that was very dark. I could feel her disapproval. Carrying him around didn’t last very long; we did find his spot. But I just didn’t want to separate from him. During that time, I went to an audition and an actress with a living baby in a stroller asked me to watch her baby while she went in. It took all my strength not to ask her to return the favor.

Life went on, things evolved, and finally, a time came when I was ready, about seven months later. I got pregnant again pretty quickly.

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