The Diary of a Teenage Adult

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“Pandemic dating made me feel feelings I hadn’t felt in years,” writes dollyalderton

Photo: Andrey Onufrienko/Getty Images If you’re single in a pandemic, there will come a time when it feels like you’re edging toward your former life. You will take your best shoes out of the cupboard and walk unsteadily, as if they’re borrowed from your mother. And as you wobble into the New World, you will realize you are eternally changed in ways you could never have anticipated. So you will write it all down, trying very hard not to forget what happened in the last year.

If you’re single in a pandemic, the seasons no longer mark the passing of time but various failed bargains with nature. Every morning when you brush your teeth, you will look to the rose plant in your neighbor’s garden as if it were a fortune teller. In late spring, when you see its first pink buds, you’ll think: “By the time the roses are all in bloom, I will stop feeling like this.” The roses will bloom, nothing will change. “By the time the roses have all gone, I will stop feeling like this.

If you’re single in a pandemic, you will listen to Cardi B’s “WAP” in a way that can only be described as compulsive. You will blast it on repeat for hours at a time, dancing so your body remembers how to move just to express something. You will have recurring dreams that you’re in the music video. Sometimes, you will forget the end of the sentence you’re writing because you can only think in the lyrics.

If you’re single in a pandemic, you notice I want you to park that BIG MACK TRUCK right in this little garAGE can’t remember where I was going with this. If you’re single in a pandemic, there is a high likelihood that the person who broke your heart will be one of the few people who manages to start a new relationship in lockdown, keenly documented on social media. At some point, you will add The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz to your already heaving pile of self-help books. You will read none of it other than the back cover because all you need to see are the words “don’t take anything personally” for everything to make a bit more sense.

Then, eventually, your city will reopen. And some day after, your heart might too. There will be dates and parties and meet-cutes and strangers. At your first wedding in two years, you will dance barefoot outside, under stars and festoon lights, and demand that the DJ play “WAP.” When he says he doesn’t have it, you will shout the spelling of T-H-E-E S-T-A-L-L-I-O-N over the music, insisting that he purchase and download it.

 

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