Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults

SANTA ROSA, CA—A study released by the California Parenting Institute Tuesday shows that every style of parenting inevitably causes children to grow into profoundly unhappy adults. "Our research suggests that while overprotective parenting ultimately produces adults unprepared to contend with life's difficulties, highly permissive parenting leads to feelings of bitterness and isolation throughout adulthood," lead researcher Daniel Porter said.

"And, interestingly, we found that anything between those two extremes is equally damaging, always resulting in an adult who suffers from some debilitating combination of unpreparedness and isolation. Despite great variance in parenting styles across populations, the end product is always the same: a profoundly flawed and joyless human being.

tokenizedtweets 0xbC7B03bE761743D7173513EceCBd09Afd0D9a6d4

Can confirm

This the one!! Nobody wants to admit that lol

Based and antinatalist pilled

9m

chickfactorzine I think American style unrestrained capitalism is the real culprit

bClickClack

This is actually true.

Except for one style. Join our new group, Childless Couples Against Children.

I knew it.

Ah yes, satire

To be fair, being disturbed and miserable is inevitable under Capitalism.

Onion getting very deep now

Guy looks like a wimp. Not surprised he’s disturbed.

jpcintheop 'They f*** you up your mum and dad, they may not mean to but they do.....' Philip Larkin All satire points to nuggets of truth.

this isnt even satire its true

What if they were to not be parented at all?

Huh I guess antivaxxers have it right. You cant be miserable adults if you dont become an adult

minotauresse

Phew! I’ve always been told that I have absolutely no semblance of style whatsoever! I thank you and my kids thank you

LauschJack Show me the lie.

I know it's satire, but I need to send this to pretty much every mother I know. I've yet to meet one who isn't constantly second guessing her choices and convinced they're all wrong and now her child is miserable because of her.

In other words we all are screwed one way or the other

BradleyWhitford Sadly, this is too close to true to be funny. Parenting is a lost art these days. Mostly because parents never grew up themselves. The immature raising the immature is a recipe for disaster. A feedback loop of self-obsession has been the result. Extinction beckons. Hopefully.

'They fuck you up, your mum & dad'

DrJennaClegg2 This is strangely comforting news.

this is why I'm not trying too hard

True, but with the recent increase in suicides, this type of parenting style should kill itself off.

Barbara4u2 i have to disagree. i noticed that kids who got spanked became well adjusted adults.

iAmYuvrajSab

abolish the family raise children communally

BradleyWhitford But I didn’t drive my kid across state lines to kill people in Wisconsin or DC so there’s that!

Yeah. We have lost touch parenting.

BradleyWhitford That's what puts the 'fun' in dysfunctional!

BradleyWhitford Anyone else think that dad looks like RickSantorum?

BradleyWhitford Pretty dismal future ahead!!

BradleyWhitford Yup

Wait, the onion is getting out of the fake news business?

Obviously, parents are the source of the problem.

well, no more guilt then

mmhmmm

Can confirm.

Just be grateful for every day you spend above ground you little losers!! Kid nowadays! When I was young we were lucky to have a stick and a rock to play with! And black & white TV! With three channels!

The reason why we have so many problems is because we've stopped doing things God's way.

hey guys I'm back to say that I thought the onion was satire but this is just regular news? lmao anyway see you in the replies of the next onion article where I will also say this

Facts

Big if true

Truth

That's the Xgeners!

More true than satirical.

Except cuties

Except for that one kid in the movie Babies that was just left to fend for itself in a yurt on the Mongolian steppe. That kid was *happy*.

When did the onion start publishing non fiction lol

the adults being the parents in this case... I concur and I have 3 kids.

The best parents are the ones who choose to never reproduce.

Kids don't come with a manual.

I’m starting to think this page is no longer satirical lol

I thought The Onion posted intentionally fake news.

Hahaha

Finally some solid, real, empirical data to support my cynicism.

Not if their kids are gay and they are homophobic Those parents, like anti vax parents, produce dead kids

Finally the truth.

parenting doesnt make miserable adults. taxes does

🤣Stop reporting real news...

bloodybutt the onion quit parody!

Not satire

thats why i raised myself to be naturally disturbed

thomas_violence Idk how this is only an article. RealNews

Well lstarling

Fun fact: this isn't fake news.

Am adult, can confirm.

I was shielded from death (and a lot of other things) when really young, and now have a serious problem w grief and the fear of losing loved ones. It sucks so hard.

Well I can't screw that up cause I don't have kids..

This is gold

...

Not always true. I was an outstanding parent before I had kids. I always knew best how to deal with them.

THANKS MOM AND DAD THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID

thomas_violence It’s almost like there’s no way to parent around capitalism. Best to just raise miserable red diapers babies and see if they’ll do something about it

you can/not tell the truth today/anymore

I’m not gonna be the parent of a disturbed miserable adult. Gonna have to pull the good old vasectomy card. mitchbanke1342

paulbrislen ICaitlinCherry topical ;)

good to have all your bases covered

thanks kanye, very cool.

Therapy is a boomin business. and bidness is a boomin

Study Finds Every Style of Late-Stage Capitalism Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults

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