Study Finds 87% Of Chinese Takeout Eaten By Team Of Prosecutors Embroiled In Late-Night Investigation

📆 10/15/2020 4:52 PM
📰 TheOnion

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NEW YORK—Shedding light on the consumption habits of attorneys, a study released Thursday by Columbia University found that 87% of Chinese takeout was eaten by teams of prosecutors embroiled in late-night investigations. “Our findings indicated that of all the cheap cartons of lo mein, fried rice, and General Tso’s chicken consumed annually, almost nine in 10 are eaten by lawyers awake in the wee hours of the morning trying to find hard evidence to convict a perp,” said head researcher Amanda Leamon, explaining that 30% of the wontons ordered for delivery were suddenly dropped back into their container after a prosecutor with a loosened tie and rolled-up sleeves realized they’ve just made a huge break in the case. “Across the board, our data revealed that the chopsticks provided in the to-go bags were almost universally used to jab the air as the lawyers commented on how they needed to follow the money after hitting a roadblock. These servings of kung pao chicken and egg rolls seemed to be eaten primarily as fuel for teams of high-powered attorneys running on only four hours of sleep as they became deeply invested in the case, often before gasping when a pile of papers fell off the table to reveal the evidence that they had been searching for all along.” The study also found that the other 13% of Chinese takeout was eaten by the overweight child molesters the prosecutors were investigating.

NEW YORK—Shedding light on the consumption habits of attorneys, a study released Thursday by Columbia University found that 87%

in 10 are eaten by lawyers awake in the wee hours of the morning trying to find hard evidence to convict a perp,” said head researcher Amanda Leamon, explaining that 30%

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Bahaha!

😂🤣🤣 Ok that was a good one.

Sounds good right now, actually

Other 13% is me.

ZMorris93

Not only that, but most of it remains uneaten, as most cases are cracked as soon as the token female investigator reaches the middle of the pot and figures out the whole case.

I always thought it was marketing executives.

The other 13 percent are eaten by defense lawyers in the same situation?

the other 13% by the people on the Big Bang Theory

looks like zdarsky

Remaining 13% Of Chinese Takeout Eaten By Team Of Investigative Journalists Working To Expose Prosecution Team's Racial Bias

A clue to solving the murder shows up on a fortune cookie fortune! 🤔

The Remaining 13% Eaten On Prosecutor Shows

Whereas 73% of pizzas delivered are eaten by students wondering if dropping out and becoming Buddhist monks is a viable option in this economy.

I read that only 24% of pizzas are eaten by this demographic, leading the American Pizza Association to ramp up advertising to police stations and district attorneys offices nationwide.

Area Chinese restaurant pleased with the free press ...

Strike and Robin LITERALLY could not solve a single case without their takeaway, right jk_rowling 🕵️‍♀️🕵️🍜

Guess they picked a bad week to quit smoking.

Drjohnhorgan How much are these Chinese take outs on average?

The other 13% are 2 stoners who order enough food for 30 people. 🥴

I don't know if I've ever done the TV trope where you eat Chinese food out of the takeout carton. Do you do this? Call me at 555-5555.

Other 13% by single females in movies set in NYC as they watch a news broadcast that will change their lives forever.

this shit doesnt sound fake wtf

Just once i want to see someone on TV eating Sweet and Sour with a plastic fork.

If this is true then it needs further investigation. I'll order a Chinese.

The other 13% is bought by the characters on The Big Bang Theory to be picked at during conversations without actually eating it.

Wow

Conspiracy must be.

This explains why the Chinese place down the street is always encouraging me to embezzle funds from my banana stand.

This is incorrect as my wife eats approximately 25% of all Chinese takeout. I would pay real money to never have to see beef and broccoli ever again in .y fridge, but it's just not going to happen. . .

Tom cruise lawyer films singlehandedly kept the industry afloat through the late 1980s

Well it 'Suits' them to eat it

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