Sometimes saying sorry is a terrible idea

, clear thinking and intuition can go a long way in deciding whether an out-of-the-blue apology is a good idea."If I were to generalise," she says,"I would err on the side of apologising for past harm if it's a key relationship: your mother, daughter, sister or Uncle Charlie. I would err on the side of apologising for past harm if the relationship is over, it's not an essential connection, and there is no reason to believe that the person wants to hear from you.

For that reason, when you apologise to someone, it's better not to expect anything back. You can't demand forgiveness, nor can you depend on anyone else to make you feel better about your own mistakes. If you genuinely want to admit a wrong and take responsibility for your actions, then you shouldn't expect the wronged party to respond in a particular way or even respond at all. No matter how graciously someone forgives you, they cannot absolve you of your own guilt.

“If you are thinking of contacting someone to apologise, be prepared for them to get agitated or ignore you — but a response like this doesn't preclude the possibility of you forgiving yourself. There can be a personal dignity in owning up to a mistake.” One time a guy I'd been involved with who'd treated me somewhat, but not dramatically, badly contacted me on Christmas Eve to apologise. He had messed me around to an extent, but mostly he'd hurt me by ending our not-quite relationship, which is hardly the crime of the century. Despite this, I was not at all happy to hear from him. It had taken me a while to get over him, and hearing from him threatened to undo whatever progress I'd made.

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