On Sunday, while attempting to retrieve a soccer ball he had kicked over a backyard fence, Fletcher reportedly tumbled into the ancient, long-forgotten gateway to hell, dropping nearly 25 feet into the blazing inferno below. Local authorities stressed the need to rescue the child as quickly as possible, noting that he has been exposed to toxic levels of sulfur and that the longer he spends outside God’s sacred light, the greater his risks of permanent damnation.
“Paramedics lowered down a bucket of food and holy water for Joey yesterday, but it unfortunately caused a torrent of blood, entrails, and excrement to erupt from the hole for several hours,” Andrade continued. “That slowed our progress quite a bit.”Earlier this week, after drilling a shaft parallel to the one that swallowed Fletcher, rescue workers said they hoped to find a more stable entrance to hell through which they might extract the boy.
Local pastors, who reportedly raced to the scene upon learning Fletcher had fallen through the gateway, have been observed locking arms, chanting the Lord’s Prayer, and making a pentagram of salt around the smoking crater in an effort to contain the droves of disembodied arms that have begun crawling, like spiders, from the opening.
Andrade added, “We also lost rescue worker Fran Cusimano, who, despite her devout Catholicism, is now trapped in purgatory because her face was clawed off by a Harpy before her priest could administer last rites.”Community members at last night’s vigil for Fletcher continued to pray for his safe return, despite the fact that the Prince of Darkness taunted them with shrieking laughter each time they invoked Christ’s name.
“Joey, if you can hear me, I want you to know that we love you and we want you to reject Satan in all his forms and get out of that hole,” said Annie Hoffman, a neighbor of the Fletcher family who voiced concern upon hearing rumors the boy may not have been baptized. “Why wasn’t that gateway to hell covered? That’s what I’d like to know. I don’t understand why the city never came around and at least nailed a piece of plywood over it. It’s just not safe.
Who is rally to save a nation trapped in Hell?
Give it up. He's never leaving.
Nice
Free my boy!
Where Lassie when you need her?
They should get some celebrities to band together and sing a song. That usually helps.
...And that boy grew up to be... Doom guy!
s8n
What if he gets all mad, because he was just visiting and he's not a little kid anymore?
Have you even considered the possibility that Hell might be preferable to growing up in Iowa?
This is just the kind of thing the 'Socialist Liberals' want to spend your tax-dollars on!!!
Hell, MI ?
Should I stay or should I go?
that would actually make for a good movie....
Did they start a gofundme?
Ah, if only that really happens in real life
tullece canaltotorial
Send Ann Widdicombe .. she knows all about hell
What if I don’t wanna be saved?
PLOT TWIST: He wasn't in hell, he was just at the local Wal-Mart.
A Soul's Bane (2006)
Was he listening to Bill Cosby records?
Is it Don Jr.? God knows Daddy won't help.
Stranger Things (2016) Dir. The Duffer Brothers
1OfAllTheThings
Having spent time in Iowa, I'm pretty sure I narrowly avoided multiple portals to hell.
Can they come and rescue Britain while they're at it?
This is the boy
thoughts and prayers
I'd like to purchase the movie rights to this thanks.
f
This would be a cool movie idea though
Little Timmy fell down to Hell.
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