List slidesWith Hulu, Amazon, and Netflix on your tail, don’t be surprised if you see a.
You guys are so funny.
What guy's sticking around to find out?
There’s a lot more bleeding and shitting involved in squeezing a living bowling ball out from between your legs than you’d imagine from such a “miracle”
100 things…
Meconium
They take the baby away and give you herpz
I thought this was satire? A nurse actually shushed me because I was grunting while pushing out a 9 pound baby.
You see a lot of poop.
AshleyGWinter the onion is here for you.
1. it hurts.
I imagining ... there will be a lot of screaming from the mother, & the midwife will keep on saying= keep on pushing, keep on pushing. Just like when we enter a rope of tug of war.
By definition, it really is a parasite. 🤔
The baby is posterior, the labor is 48 hours long, double contractions and the doc with hands the size of a line backer wants to check the dilation every few hours. I said screw it, unhooked the wires and ran out for a burger half way through.
Good thing I never stuck around. Who wants to deal with that?!
jbengee A baby is a parasite - ewwww what sort of sicko would even joke about that? No wonder Americans the most hated, hate filled & violent country on the planet. Ewwww
Don't forget that your doctor gets to play with the baby's hair when they are crowning. 'Oh look, it's long enough that I can make a mohawk.' *true story 😬
No one told me the trainee midwife would pass out during our birth. I ended up massaging my wife's back while simultaneously applying a wet face washer to the forehead of the trainee.
Meconium
Holy shit! Alien was all about childbirth!
🙅🏽♀️
This one is way too real
Here’s another they latch onto your wallet and suck it dry.
There is no way I am clicking hahaha
'...a human-shaped parasite...' Did she give birth to a Wall Street banker?
That you would forfeit your wallet for 25 years?
They get older … and boy can they eat
The thrill of real life Hunger Games in the quest for baby formula!
lmfao
Say it again louder for the people in the back!
I come from the before times when male quacks decided women didn't need painkillers and could deliver a 10 pounder comfortably with a simple mental exercise.
As gentle as slipping into a winter nap
Skeletress I say., try passing an orange out your penis, then you might get an idea of what it's like.
I'm sure every Republican in the Supreme Court would seriously agree.
I keep telling women this and they just don’t get it
Did Sam Alito write this?
Ok why did my extremely toxic ex-friends come back in the form of a vegetable
I've been super excited about BTC since this week. I've been enjoying the move as we approach the Switzerland conference. Gaofyork ecosystem have been tuning some new partnerships lately.
This always hits the spot
12 the show baby had me ☠️🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I've tried everything and can't get rid of them
The first thing a mother does is shit on the baby. Foreshadowing?
Yep. There's another hole down there.
The day my daughter was born was one of the worst days of my life. I love her to death, but it was awful. 38 hours of excruciating couch-sitting while my wife was in serious pain and stress. Nothing like my pain. She had a bed. I had a Motel 6 lobby couch.
11 is kinda accurate though. They told my wife to stop yelling because it wastes energy.
Golden babies 🤣🤣🤣
You get hungry. It’s exhausting to stand around, munching on the 2 muesli bars you brought, waiting 20+ hours for your wife to finish up giving birth to your daughter. Adrenaline won’t cut it for that many hours.
Childbirth: the original reason chainsaws were invented. Enough said. Onion doesn't want to bring tears to your eyes...but you should know.
You need an exorcist.
That they get upset when you bring some party buddies for a tailgate party and to cheer her on during the actual birth.
Give them up for adoption and let them search and find you after medical school.
You'll marry him after he kills your husband
As someone with a ten day old on his chest - yes
Can confirm umbilical cords have the strength of titanium & require the use of plasma torches to be cut. Occasionally that's not enough and a contained nuclear explosion may be needed, but we try to avoid that due to the cost of nuclear bombs & issues with insurance coverage.
Yes it gives you a baby.😊
Soon a VR experience. Just imagine.
Facts.
Turns your pussy into Mount Saint Helens
It comes out of WHERE
Smoke what?
Nice bonding moment. .. 😁
Ask my wife
And the oxygen (supplied free from a tap in the wall) will provide that extra kick you need after 10 hours of labor.
Oh god, if you are not bias tell them.aboyt the advantages of having home birth
My baby was born both fully clothed AND gold!!!
I smoked meth right in front of the nurse and my parents turned out just fine.
Emporing
If you are giving birth, I think your mind is not into smoking at the time.
hello. i’m a nurse and this is highly inaccurate. id never let the patient, a new MOTHER at that, reach for a cigarette without offering them a lighter first. basic bedside manner people!!!
Lit a cigar and wondering why you are here
Old enough to remember smoking in grocery stores. 🤣😂🤣
“A comprehensive birth plan detailing personal wishes should be written up so doctors can ignore it in favor of rushing you into a C-section.” I’d say about an 80% accurate description of what happened to my wife when she gave birth.
I’ve been told mine weren’t screams, they were deep, guttural & kinda loud grunting sorts of pushing sounds that lasted thru contractions
Funny, but not funny … My (ex) wife for some reason decided the 2nd child she would have “naturally”.. At one point, nurse popped her head in and asked that she “quite down”. She was scaring the other mothers … Shortly, she was begging for drugs.🤷🏻♂️😁
I want that baby
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Little known fact. Occasionally after childbirth, doctors accidentally reinstall the women's vagina on backwards. New moms have been known to wear it the wrong way around, for months, before noticing!
Cute
Ouch.
industry baby LilNasX
This
And the others were made of 'fools gold'.
Jeff Bezos stole one and here we are today.
Im made of flesh
Blingy Babies
that's a fake statistic, everyone knows that 1 in 500 babies are made of diamonds
My wife and I are on our 134th pregnancy. Still hoping for a golden baby. 🙏👨🍼🪙
**Spain has entered the chat**
Wut
It's just a gold foil wrapping though. They're pure chocolate inside.
They're not made of gold, but they DO cost most people quite a small fortune just to be born... we aren't even talking about the cost of raising them!
The %1 isn't a joke afterall
There will be a non-zero number of people that take this hook, line, and sinker.
They stopped doing the complimentary enema during labor by 1985. When I told the nurse I preferred the pre-birth enema over shitting in front of the doctor she said, 'no worries. It drops off the table.'
No birth would be complete without Al Michaels signature call.
scream-laughter!
You can’t ride a bike while giving birth?
You can sometimes poop yourself?
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