DARMSTADT, GERMANY—Finding a potential root cause for a problem that has greatly perplexed scientists, a new report published Tuesday in thehas linked dwindling global insect populations to this one pale weird kid.
“Once this awkward, sickly-looking boy was introduced to the planet, we saw a rapid decline in a variety of insect and arachnid populations. It is imperative that we neutralize the effects of Kevin. However, when our research team tried to approach him in his backyard, he responded by meowing at us and throwing lit matches in our direction until we were forced to back away.
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