Salad Suppliers Pledge To Continue Including Just Enough In Bag That Some Will Go Bad If You’re Single

📆 2/13/2020 9:08 PM
📰 TheOnion

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SALINAS, CA—In an effort to maintain stringent industry standards, salad suppliers nationwide pledged Monday to continue including just enough greens in bagged salad so that some will go bad if you’re single. “Whether it’s our 50/50 Mix or a simple chopped romaine, single customers can rest assured that they will always be left with a slimy, inedible clump of brown leaves at the bottom of the bag that wouldn’t be there if someone else were in their lives,” said Fresh Express CEO Marc Driver, adding that salad producers were united in ensuring that the refrigerators of partnerless consumers always contained a folded-over bag of soggy, spoiled vegetable matter that forces them to contemplate the possibility they’ll be alone forever. “You’ll know we’ve upheld our end of the bargain when you toss that quarter-filled container of rotting salad in the trash and wish you had someone—anyone—who you could come home to every night.” The suppliers also reaffirmed their commitment to including just the right amount of salad in their Spring Mix for couples in loveless relationships to always have their mouths full and eat in total silence.

Source: News Formal (newsformal.com)

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Grandma chooses what makes it healthy, though. Awwwwwwww.

I knew it

KristineGarina Good reason to stop eating salad - gummy bears never go bad! 😀 🐻

I knew it!

Onion slice of life right here

I threw out 1/4 bag spinach just today thinking this exact thing. who at the Onion is reading my mind

That’s me to a tee....get out of my fridge

Corollary of salad suppliers - vegans have more friends

🙄

seen

This made me cry.

gandolvellinio These freakin’ vegans won’t stop pushing vegetables on us. I wanna go back to an America where dinner was a McDonald’s cheeseburger, large coke, and fries. Is that too much to ask for these days

Bro, wtf how did you get that picture of my fridge?

LULULUL but seriously- shrinkification sucks chongchong.

I still eat it

A little too relatable

his worst policy yet

Me eating 2 salads a day so it doesn't spoil

notsatire

I've never related to a tweet like this before

keith_pochick Imma go eat that portion right now. Plain. Straight out the bag. Like popcorn. Bastards!

6 servings of salad + 5 servings of salad dressing + bag w/ exactly 13 croutons. Get your calculators out, assholes!

😂😂😂

Dam this one nailed me fml

Those bastards!

Not that I would fully understand this...at all...really I do not.

😂😂😂🥬🥗🤨

Ok good, cause I was just waiting until it went bad to think about eating it.

Okay this one is too real

keith_pochick Omg, get out of my fridge!!!

Calling the therapist's emergency line, thanks.

This exactly happens to me 😂 Sent from Spain.

Only cowards don't eat the whole bag in one meal.

This one hits home

Judging me

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