Proud Species Commits Suicide Rather Than Be Driven To Extinction By Humans

📆 9/12/2019 10:02 AM
📰 TheOnion

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COOS BAY, OR—Amidst rapidly deteriorating environmental conditions that have left the species in imminent danger of extinction, the world’s leatherback sea turtles announced plans Tuesday to commit mass suicide rather than allow human beings to wipe them out. “For years we’ve just been sitting around waiting for these assholes to finish us off, but I say if we’re gonna go out, we do it on our own terms,” said a 25-year-old female leatherback, who along with others of her species confirmed she would rather throw herself into the rudder of a fishing boat than “give those cocksuckers the satisfaction of finishing the job.” “Any of us who managed to survive this massacre would at best end up displayed in an aquarium or penned up in some bullshit ocean preserve, and what kind of life is that? No thanks. We’re leaving this world with our dignity intact.” Several leatherback turtles added that while suicide was indeed their most respectable option, they would regret not being around later this century to see the human race itself driven to extinction.

Write Comment

Sucks to suck😎

This hurts

r/madlads

Thats better than having proud species coming to finish off humans in a fight to the finish.

actually...not funny

Unless..

this is both sad and metal as fuck

This made me sad

Such a dirty word, humans.

This is so sad Alexa play despacito

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