Panicked Officials Agree To Reopen Gyms After Disastrous 85% Drop In Nation’s Chiseled Studs

  • 📰 TheOnion
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 1 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Quality Score:
  • News: 4%
  • Publisher: 51%

United States Headlines News

United States Latest News,United States Headlines

BOSTON—Addressing a precipitous nationwide decline in bicep circumference, pectoral definition, and rigid, beautifully cut abs, panicked officials in every state announced Thursday they would immediately reopen gyms following a catastrophic 85 percent drop in chiseled studs across the country. “Cutting off access to free-weight stations and circuit-training machines as the nation’s gorgeously sculpted male physiques atrophy before our eyes would not only represent a failure of leadership, but would almost certainly lead to a full-blown shortage of grade-A American beefcake,” Massachusetts Gov. Charlie Baker wrote in a statement endorsed by all 50 governors, adding that even with the immediate reopening of fitness centers, it could take years for the now-lumpy U.S. populace to replenish the once-bountiful supplies of eye candy lost over the past three months. “From the muscle beaches of this nation’s shores to the CrossFit classes of Main Street, hard bodies that once wouldn’t quit are now softening at alarming rates. We don’t want to survive this epidemic only to find ourselves completely deprived of really top-notch, primo displays of manflesh. Every day that gyms remain closed, the hunkiest, most jacked specimens among us deflate a bit more. This nightmare ends today.” At press time, Baker was overheard lamenting the fact that he could no longer bounce a quarter off the ass of any of his constituents

 

Thank you for your comment. Your comment will be published after being reviewed.
Please try again later.

The other pandemic: dad bods! 😋😂🤣

A return to normal for fat, lazy assholes.

Please donate to Robert or at least retweet to help him out.

Dad bod to the rescue 💪

Thinking of you jonny prius10

That IS worrisome!

Noooooo

Trump? Dat be you?

we need hot people more than ever

🤣🤣🤣

Had to look closer to see if that wasn’t Mike Pompeo. 🙈

Please frausty33 get back in the gym!

Needed

That resembles most of the women in my neighborhood... CompoundBoss LandauDave attell peteholmes TheStandNYC

Isn't there a national reserve for chiseled studs?

bruh im a skeleton man no need to gain calories SkeletonsRiseUp

I resemble that remark🤙😏

Haha

Wife beater t-shirt...where is the little woman? Prolly between the bedroom and kitchen!

I've got my own, thank god 🙏

They went to the dark side of the 6 pack.. The one you buy at the gas station

I’m scared to put my work pants on 😳

Few realize the obvious correlation between economic decline and Deltoid Muscle Mass Decline.

comedy is no longer funny, water is no longer wet WaterIsWet ? WaterIsNotWet

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

 /  🏆 724. in US

United States Latest News, United States Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

California Reopens Indoor Hair Salons, Malls—But Gyms, Churches Still Have To Stay OutdoorsEvery county in the state, even those in the strictest monitoring tier, can reopen hair salons, barber shops and shopping malls at 25% capacity starting Monday. rachsandl Huh rachsandl . rachsandl At least you can go outside. Here on Oahu, it’s illegal to be on a beach, in a park, or on a hiking trail.
Source: Forbes - 🏆 394. / 53 Read more »

Sumit's Parents Finally Speak in 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way Sneak Peek - E! OnlineSumit's parents make their opinions known in a 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way clip while Happily Ever After's Angela and Michael party it up before their wedding in new sneak peeks! Finally we get to see them
Source: enews - 🏆 466. / 52 Read more »

Herbalife Nutrition Agrees to Pay $123 Million to Settle China Bribery AllegationsHerbalife, a Los Angeles-based multilevel-marketing company, agreed to pay $123 million to settle charges that it provided corrupt payments to government officials in China and falsified its books and records This pyramid scheme still alive? One of the best products based company, how it is possible I think you mean pyramid scheme.
Source: WSJ - 🏆 98. / 63 Read more »

Tom Del Beccaro: Democrats panicking about Biden again – here's whyThe Democrats are panicking again, and their panic started right after the end of the Democrat Convention. Hilarious. Written for The Onion? The only desperation these days is in the White House. Clinton admonished Biden to “not concede under any circumstances.Then Nancy Pelosi’s turn to panic. ‘’I don’t think that there should be any debates,” in a clear attempt to protect Biden from losing to President Trump. No Debate..NoElection 🙌🏾 Who da fk is the demo crats that minnasota ny chicargo bid..tomo
Source: FoxNews - 🏆 9. / 87 Read more »

EU firms up Belarus blacklist as OSCE offers to mediateEuropean Union foreign ministers have agreed to slap sanctions on up to 20 Belarus officials over election fraud and violence against protesters.
Source: ABC - 🏆 471. / 51 Read more »

Is the Government Just Going to Watch the Restaurant Industry Die?Without a bailout, independent restaurants face a disastrous fallout Seems so. They’re watching fires and hurricanes devastate communities annually. 😓 eaterpdx Pretty much cc: senatemajldr hey Mitch, let me guess ... boot straps or something?
Source: Eater - 🏆 368. / 59 Read more »