On Becoming Lucy Sante

. Although in areas of Europe pink had long been for boys and blue for girls, my mother bucked convention, dressing me in blue in honor of the Virgin Mary. I was effectively sexless as a child, drawing and reading and playing with my large family of stuffed animals, to whom I assigned family positions. My mother and I were very close then, twice traveling back from New Jersey to Belgium and living for months without my father while she settled affairs and debated moving back.

For more than 55 years, I lived in a state of denial that kept my gender quandary suspended, as if pickled in a jar. I passed through periods of indulgence, when I would give in and daydream.

In those days I was spending unreasonable amounts of time taking selfies and gender swapping them on the app. I had just gotten back one that I thought looked plausibly enough like me as a woman that I could show it to everyone and they would immediately understand . That was the tack I decided to try with M. She’d think it was cute! Maybe that would soften the shock. The day after my session with Dr. G, I pulled it out after dinner. She was confused.

Over the years, from force of necessity, I created a male persona that was saturnine, cerebral, a bit remote, a bit owlish, possibly “quirky,” coming very close to asexual despite my best intentions. I was endlessly lovelorn and had only a handful of successful liaisons; I had little priapic drive. And I had always kept people at a distance. For 14 years M served as my social shield.

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