“Oh No, I’ve Said Too Much.”

'I no longer hate myself for having ADHD. I no longer hate how close to the waves I am and always will be.'

6.12.2019

'I no longer hate myself for having ADHD. I no longer hate how close to the waves I am and always will be.'

ADHD in women like me can often mean significant emotional struggles and self-esteem issues. But I opened myself fully and vulnerably to a group of women I hardly knew one day, and something truly …

I had just completed sorority recruitment, which is a harrowing process for anyone, but it is a special hell for

. I think the ADHD overtakes me most of the time, and I think it always will. Holes dug too close to the waves will always fill with water; dealing with ADHD is like that. Ritalin, extra time, and self-awareness have upgraded my teacup to a bucket, but my fight isn’t against the relentless water. My fight is staying calm when the water is rising. My fight is learning how to float when it fills to the brim.

I explained ADHD in women using metaphors. (I use metaphors a lot, but this time it didn’t seem to bother anyone.) They didn’t zone out when I cupped my hands over my forehead to mimic the way my focus works like a water dam. Most people can control how much water, or focus, they let out at, but I can’t. My water dam is either open or totally shut, and I don’t have a say in the face of the roaring water dam that releases attention into my system. However, the tides turn when I am on medication; then, I control my mind with floods of focus.

made higher grades than Marimac could alone, I said. And I resent myself for not functioning at the level that the Medicine can, I admitted. My friends from home always scolded me for this one. The rational me scolds me, too, but the Medication jealousy is an emotional mountain to climb — rationale has nothing to do with it.

Click to Read: “Perfect Is a Myth” — and Other Self-Esteem Boosters

But this breaking was like each of my ribs became rows of gunpowder and someone laid a torch on my sternum. It was like someone put deflated balloons in my esophagus and then inflated them instantaneously. If the breaking that their nodding put in me had a sound, it would have sounded like the tree limb that gets torn from the tree in a storm. I was ripping, on fire, and choking on air. It was like I had clapped to a room, hoping for clapping but expecting silence and smirks in return, but instead the whole room reverberated with the clanging of 50 seismic cymbals.

I hope that this helps someone else find the silhouettes of theirs.

Read more: ADDitude

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