“Oh No, I’ve Said Too Much.”

I was surprised to find that I wasn’t squinting through the cold light of a stage spotlight. It felt like I should have been. I have mostly known spotlights to catch the way dust dances in the air, but to stand in one is to stand alone. Everything else goes dark but your feet and the space in front of your face. Now, the dancing dust was fluttering in my chest, and sleepy streetlights spilled into the living room, staining the ground gold through cracked curtains.

I no longer hate myself for having ADHD. I no longer hate how close to the waves I am and always will be. So I spoke about overcoming that. I didn’t know I was going to say this, but I next revealed a secret hidden deep down: The pills make the grades. Themade higher grades than Marimac could alone, I said. And I resent myself for not functioning at the level that the Medicine can, I admitted. My friends from home always scolded me for this one. The rational me scolds me, too, but the Medication jealousy is an emotional mountain to climb — rationale has nothing to do with it.

But this breaking was like each of my ribs became rows of gunpowder and someone laid a torch on my sternum. It was like someone put deflated balloons in my esophagus and then inflated them instantaneously. If the breaking that their nodding put in me had a sound, it would have sounded like the tree limb that gets torn from the tree in a storm. I was ripping, on fire, and choking on air.

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