DENVER—Conceding that people can, in fact, survive indefinitely on a daily diet consisting solely of ball park franks, top nutritionists admitted Wednesday that you could just eat hot dogs and live for basically decades. “We put a lot of work into formulating dietary guidelines based on discoveries and advancements in the field of food science, but honestly, if you just ate wieners
three times a day every day, you’d be okay,” said nutritionist Alison Lawler, noting begrudgingly that a supermarket frankfurter contains sufficient proteins, carbohydrates, and minerals to sustain an average human well into their 80s. “You won’t be healthy per se, but you’d last on hot dogs for years and years. You wouldn’t feel great, you’d be a bit weak and tired, but that’s about it. And you’d most likely be reasonably happy, because, hey, hot dogs are pretty great.
Finally the truth comes out.
10 hotdogs a day for every right wing Republican.
Heard
I knew it!!
Fuck, so why have I been shoving all this kale up my ass?
It's true 👍
Sponsored by Big Hot Dog
Big Vegetable will get you for that
living proof baby
After the whole 'masks don't work' debate, science has finally learned to only tell people what they want to hear.
JasonSheridan
But it’s impossible to predict which one will be the one that ends it all.
If only……
Of course! What else do you want?
Instagram said the onion was permanently banned from Twitter. I'm glad you got it resolved quickly
Decades is at least two, so
obligatory
'“You won’t be healthy per se, but you’d last on hot dogs for years and years' -- ROFL! Welcome to America, Onion. :) Where 70% of the populace are hideously, disgustingly fat.
jamiefitz67
Misinformation. Reporting. Z
BauerJournalism Seem like good news for you.
jamieloftusHELP
Been testing that theory myself for the last couple of months.
What kinds of kids eat Armor hot dogs?
I always knew the hamburger industry was behind these lies.
“Basically” 🤣
Can’t be worse than regular life on Earth and hot dog induced delirium shields ones mush brain from grasping that all of reality is in crisis
I knew it all along
glih-zeey
I’m glad that the Onion has changed from satire to straight up facts!
chicago style does include veggies
I’m gonna need a colon snake.
'At press time, the nutritionists were not available for further comment as they had all gone out for hot dogs.'
I am looking for vegetarian hot dogs, any advice on those? Thank you!
Ask me for more diet tips ❤️
Hallelujah! 🎉🎉
At least two 🤷♂️
I mean, it has the three food groups: white bread, mystery meat, and condiments.
DarlenesCousin
NickBurke9 mitch_amundson
Yes, decades. I would say 4.
Thank the gods.
Finally some practical advice
They do concede however that the number of hot dogs consumed is directly tied to episodes of impotence and liver explosion
I knew it
barstoolcarl
Real cool
I love that THIS is directly under this tweet in my feed.
Meet “Sprot!” Sprot is a sproutling who has just popped up through the soft warm dirt! And still with the now empty seed shell he has sprouted from stuck to his head like a helmet. Hate, RudolpH©️ EMVPRODUCTIONS®️2020 Author Eric M. Vano. Warwick, RI.
This is true. Why is this an Onion headline?
jozgarner for Darin
This hits deep, but on another note... Hellllo doctor!
WestonFrazor
Yeah... live like dogs, that is.
2020 isn’t that bad after all! 😂🤣
I've been saying this for years
itsbillyd !!
realjentrisinor
It's everything the body needs.
I can't believe the onion has any followers at all I've only seen fake news from the onion
I thought this was common knowledge
WKUK Hot Dogs
With endless toppings I can really believe it!
LISTEN TO THE SCIENTISTS
I knew it.
You joke, but this is my 91 year old grandmother for the last 20 years
This is a good time to tell folks that you can get a monthly subscription for our hot dogs. Science
Eerily accurate. Your body may be a kind of engine, but filling the tank with premium gas has surprisingly little benefit.
Don’t worry, there are some vegetables in the sauce
No ketchup!
This is good news for Americans.
And when you die, your body won't go to waste. It's the least thing we can do.
I have been for 50 years.
3 decades to be exact.
ritabagaz
That’s awesome!
HookomOnHealth you've been lying to us this whole time
It’s TRUE! They contain traces of every food group (and some that haven’t been identified yet), and they build up the immune system (what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger).
good news re: glizzy _Tridd
Sickening
next superfood discovery: top ramen prevents cancer
Crap. The word is out. This is going to reek havoc on the drive thru lanes at Portillos.
My 16 year old dachshund is living proof of this.
sick of glizzy
The real health nut...Joey Chestnut
massive poggers now we can just gobble the glizzy forever
Spoilers: I actually tried that once and you cannot believe how sick of hot dogs it is possible to get
👀 portilloshotdog
Nathans.. maybe
Glizzy Gobbler
Checkmate health freaks
The addition of “basically” is everything
Like, at least 2 decades!
Awesome. Coneys.
Onion and mustard = 2 veg.
monkeyboy100001 Would it twere so simple.
What? No chili, deli mustard and onions?
For a split second I was truly happy
scmesk
TheNamesMeesh good news
Ive been doing that for nearly 40 years.
KingslyFishao
Hotdogs are good,&if you dont enjoy them,its suspicious,like not enjoyingBBQ,its juuuust not right,&if you participate in or go to a hotdog eating contest its illegal for you to be anti gay,sincetheentire productions a gaysoftcoreporn orgy,&theannouncersprobably thebiggestperv...
With mustard of course
Best news I've heard all year
jcistheboss
Good because that's my fucking life
You can do that with any junk food
Thank god.
that is a long time for a dog to live in my stomach.
I guess dying in your early thirties counts as living for ‘basically decades’.
Instead of dog years, hot dog years?
Ha! My wife and I were just talking about this last night! Spooky.
Only the cheese filled ones. The others will kill you
it's true you're gonna die of butt cancer but decades later ;)
LOL
Bonus points for chili and liquid cheese...
Cost-Co $1:49 with a drink. Sounds like a plan.
Blasphemy.
Thank god I was starting to wonder.....
Breaking news, tbtl!
blizzardjesus
I Assume the micronutrients come from the Mustard, ya?
incoming idiots calling it a glizzy
This is an interesting episode of MST3K.
Whoever wrote this probably never seen the size of a hot dog for $8 in Central Park, shit is tinier than Trump’s Tulsa rally.
BMiggs Finally, some good news.
Are you saying this isnt healthy?
Live like a hot dog? 🤣
live by the glizzy die by the glizzy
lesvampnovels
caprikar21
Feels like they admitted this prefaced by, 'Ah, fuck it...'
ur good bro dlphin32
Testing this hypothesis.
Chicagoans have known this for as long as Chicago has existed.
This just in: phosphates, much like hydrochloroquine, are good for your liver.
thank you for this
Trump has lived/lives on burgers and coke!
And then: quad bypass!
So as a grown man, I finally see you guys used parody and comedy, to tell the truth lol. When I was a kid I was so confused thinking you guys just wrote lies and pointless stuff.
I get hot farts when I eat too many hot dogs
glizzy*
Two decades then you die of dietary boredom!
EverythingABong
Glizzy Dub
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