My Friend Was The Victim Of Gaslighting By Her Partner For 10 Years And Didn’t Realize It

I visited her for a week and witnessed him break down her confidence to the point of tears. In that week, he called her crazy, confused, and immature — all in my presence no less. I asked her about his behavior multiple times, but she brushed it off as if it wasn’t a bit deal. It broke my heart to see it. This brilliant, accomplished woman was convinced she wasn’t very smart and certainly not as smart as her husband. One evening, we were having dinner.

This is the time where we women try to make the conflict go away. We’re good at apologizing even if we did nothing wrong. We’ve been taught that saying sorry makes everything better. We just want the situation to go away, and we’re willing to take the blame to make that happen. We will let our partner off the hook if we can return to the status quo — even if that means we’re hurt and unhappy. Don’t kid yourself.

You must also stay in touch with your feelings. Don’t let your partner dictate your emotions to you. He’s trying to make you doubt yourself and question your choices. He wants you to believe everything would be all right if only you would change. He tries to convince you that only you are the problem in the relationship, not him. But it’s simply not true.

Healthy relationships require communication, compromise and respect — all the qualities that don’t support gaslighting. Ask yourself if, when you and your partner discuss an issue, do you feel heard? Is he listening to what you say or does he interrupt you and dismiss your concerns? If you’re the only one compromising in an attempt to make the relationship work, think about how that makes you feel. The relationship will never be fulfilling if you’re the only one putting in the work.

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