Head Topics

Man Wastes No Time Masturbating While Roommate Gone For Weekend

  • 📰 TheOnion
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 1 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Quality Score:
  • News: 4%
  • Publisher: 51%

United States Headlines News

United States Latest News,United States Headlines

PITTSBURGH, PA—Frantically removing his pants while simultaneously shouting “See ya Monday!” through his bedroom door, local man Tyler Mackey wasted absolutely no time masturbating directly after his roommate left to spend the weekend out of town. Upon hearing the door close and the key withdraw from the lock, Mackey waited roughly 15 seconds, called out “Hello?” multiple times, pleased with himself that he was alone in the shared apartment, unpaused a PornHub video titled “Busty Amateur Seduced By Best Friend,” and proceeded to satisfy himself sexually. Kemph, who left the shared apartment for his parent’s house in Philadelphia at 6:00 p.m., was and remains unaware that Mackey was nude from the waist down on their living room couch, penis in hand, by 6:01 p.m.; nor was Kemph aware that the fully erect 28-year-old, entirely unencumbered by the fear of intrusion, would spend the next 48 hours in a state of continual erotic self-stimulation. According to sources attempting to interact with Mackey, the opportunistic masturbator ignored 17 text messages, four phone calls from two different individuals, and two emails, allowing him to bring himself to a state of climax four separate times. Mackey’s plans for the weekend include enjoying the rare luxury of watching pornography with the sound on, pausing only to use the bathroom, acquiring a second tissue box, and eating a hurried meal of microwavable ramen noodles chosen specifically for their one-minute prep time. While Mackey is not currently in a relationship, women who have been romantically involved with him confess the 28-year-old may have learned the technique of waiting for complete solitude before pursuing sexual release from them.

 

Thank you for your comment. Your comment will be published after being reviewed.
Please try again later.

BasedOnWonder

Guys, stop making fun of Jacob Wohl.

Roommate in the elevator and brother got the original scent Jergens in hand!

What kind of roommate doesn't lend a hand?

He can't pretend to be taking a really long poop like the rest of us?

Ahaaa. This guy is my people.

And that's for sure 🥖👍

Good times, good times.

then fall asleep

Finally a post about the admin himself!

There's only so much time in a day.

He made so many angels cry that weekend.

And how does he know this?

Too soon 🤪😱🤠

Wait, what? Is he not masturbating and therefore not wasting time, or is masturbating a reasonable activity to plan your weekend around. I'm confused by the phrasing, as intended.

I see no problem with this....ChangeMyMind

suggstosuck

Now...what to do for the next 47 hours 59 minutes and 50 seconds?

PaymoneyWubby?

Roommate = Mom

OldUncleJimmy if thats not a picture of CoachLRJ i dont know what is.

Does he share a bedroom? Lol...

Hey! That's my Roommate!!

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

 /  🏆 724. in US

United States Latest News, United States Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

Beyond Meat will report earnings after the bell for the first time since going publicBeyond Meat surged 160% in its first day trading on the public markets and has soared nearly 300% above its initial public offering price. Would be interested to talk to anyone holding through this one... $BYND $BYND buy the dip at $69.50
Source: CNBC - 🏆 12. / 72 Read more »

The makeup aisle’s ugly side is made of plastic wasteBig health and beauty brands such as Olay and the Body Shop are exploring more environmentally friendly alternatives to single-use plastic containers. And taylorswift13, NICKIMINAJ and rihanna uses 100 billion units of that combine.. Their lips 💋 alone can paint the walls of jerico over and over again 😂😂😂 Aisle is made of plastic waste, you mean i have been kissing a dust bin all my life 😂😂😂😂 A girls gotta look pretty
Source: latimes - 🏆 11. / 82 Read more »

The Trump administration is downgrading toxic nuclear weapons waste - Should we be worried?U.S. Department of Energy pushes forward with plans to reclassify some of its nuclear waste from Cold War weapons research. Nahhhhh Apparently, Trump does not care about future generations. Just line his pockets now. GOP seems to think it's okay as well.
Source: Newsweek - 🏆 468. / 52 Read more »

Nuclear waste will be classified as safer under a controversial Trump administration changeThe Energy Department will change how it will dispose of nuclear weapons waste in the future, redefining high-level radioactive waste to a lower standard. 'Junior, eat your veggies. They're good for you!' 'But mom they're glowing green!' 'That just means their fresh that's all. Now eat up.' And all this time I thought Chernobyl on HBO was a comedy
Source: latimes - 🏆 11. / 82 Read more »

Monterey Bay is filled with microplastic from human waste—even at its deepest pointsScientists find microplastic debris is as common at the surface as it is at the seafloor. Stop pollution environment
Source: Newsweek - 🏆 468. / 52 Read more »

P&G's Olay skin-care brand unveils refillable packaging test to curb plastic wasteIf successful, P&G says the move could substantially reduce plastic waste from single-use products. WoW. I’m soooooo impressed! That’s why I love P&G and their products. Always trying to do the right thing and makeadifference
Source: CNBC - 🏆 12. / 72 Read more »