Lisa Faulkner on the loneliness of infertility and why she chose to adopt

She went through IVF three times with her former partner, suffered an ectopic pregnancy, investigated surrogacy and then decided to adopt after finding out she was infertile. Lisa is now a mum to 13-year-old Billie.Related StoryI came off the Pill and expected to get pregnant straight away, but it didn’t happen. It seemed that as soon as my biological clock started ticking, it escalated to a disco beat pretty damn fast.

I see now that I should have given myself time before I made each decision. But we were on the fertility treadmill and I was so determined not to fail, I couldn’t stop. That’s why I wrote my book,PenguinRecently while I was writing the book I found my first positive pregnancy test. I was surprised to feel the grief of that loss all over again.

I realised what was most important: to love unconditionally, to nurture and mould, to watch a child grow and flourish. I wanted to wash and dress them, to sing nursery rhymes. I wanted the everyday things I saw mums do: finding a high chair in a cafe, putting the pushchair in the car. Even so, it took me until she was three to take ownership of the word ‘mother’. It was after I put in those days and months of being there to listen, hold and comfort that it felt real.Chris and I split up when Billie was five. Life can be unexpected; my plan was to be in a happy marriage with a biological child, and look how that turned out.

The idea of adoption is not always easy for other children to understand; they imagine her being picked from rows of cots in an orphanage, like Tracy Beaker or Annie.

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