My iPhone updated itself recently, adding even more hidden features. Or so I’m told by the media that worships Apple. If they’re so great, why are they hiding? I want obvious features, explicit features — features so intuitive, I’ll just feel their presence in my subconscious. • If you stand it on end and tilt it like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, thewill instantly convert English text to Italian. Also, you can buy tickets to a bullfight in Spain simply by waving a red cloth at the screen.
• To call your mother, simply crack your knuckles in front of the iPhone. She’ll immediately come on the screen to warn that you’re risking arthritis. , hold the phone over a steam vent. For a July tour of Death Valley, put the phone in a 200-degree oven. To see the Grand Canyon, drop the iPhone in a ditch. • To hire a street performer, juggle several iPhones while standing on one foot. For a magician, hide the phone under one of three cups.
• Breaking up via text? If what you’re writing sounds too sincere and straightforward, blow some smoke at the screen. iPhone will immediately insert cliches such as “It’s not you, it’s me.”
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