Jeff Bezos Is Going to Space in a Giant Hitachi Magic Wand

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Jeff Bezos is fast-tracking his supervillian shit by launching his vibrator up into space

My fealty to Jeff Bezos begins and ends with Amazon Prime, a habit that I am incapable of breaking, though I try every now and again. He is a gross little man who isAdvertisementthat Bezos will fly to space on the New Shepard, a rocket ship that was funded by his space company, Blue Origin. The trip is scheduled for July 20, which is just a few weeks after his resignation as CEO of Amazon.

“The greatest adventure, with my best friend,” he wrote in the caption. Touching. Very sweet. Nothing like having a bald egg man brother to strap you into his space car and take you to space for recreation! It’s worth noting that the space car in question looks like an enormous vibrator. Jeff Bezos is PENETRATING space with this Hitachi Magic Wand, and no one can stop him.

Though I’m sure this is exciting for the Bezi, it’s likely extra exciting for Jeffrey, because he has technically won the space race. Richard Branson’s space operation, Virgin Galactic, probably won’t be going to space until later this year; Elon Musk’s Space X rocket situation has yet to make it up there either. Bezos, on the other hand, is fast-tracking his supervillian shit by launching the vibrator up into space.

 

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