or mah jong with us for hours over lazy summer nights. I hear my father in every “hmph” or grunt I exhale in response to my kids’ endless chatter and requests. I flash to the golden memories of a little girl who adored her father when I see my husband play with our children, hoisting them on his shoulders, chasing them around to their delight.And still, I wonder.
My father was the life of every party. He was so clever and smart and funny and charismatic — he was like the sun. And I wonder — I wonder if in a different life, if watching him be anMy husband’s father died three days before my first child was born, and I wonder if I have robbed my children of their remaining grandfather.
My father was the first man to break my heart. He broke it so often and so unabashedly, and yet still, I loved him. I loved him so much, but he only loved himself. I likely would have stayed in his thrall had I not had children of my own and finally caught glimpse of what a wild, unrestrained love could be.It’s been at least ten years since the last time I saw or spoke to my father. I’m not actually sure the precise date — he was so rarely in my life.
. That if he got sick or needed help, he could ask his secret family — the family he did not know we knew he had while married to my mother — to take care of him.when her older brother has, saying it wasn’t fair.
How do I explain that if I’d behaved the way they did — that they would not exist because I wouldn’t have lived long enough to reproduce? I am baffled that my children can be so free with their mouths, their actions, and their feelings. I grew up curling into myself at home. Hiding, always hiding — until I could no longer contain myself and inevitably burst.
If only that were the truth it would be easier to bear, but sadly not 😪
I cut my mother and sister off because their energy was toxic to me. Cutting someone close like immediate family out of your life is about preservation of yourself not hatred
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