I wish I hadn’t waited so long to get meds for my PPD

As much as I always couldNot at allSitting in the naturopath’s office, tears streaming down my face as I rocked my six-week-old in her car seat beside me, I struggled to process this question and the ones that followed. They seemed endless and the nuance between scoring myself two or three was irrelevant. I was miserable.

I believed that if things in my life could just go well, I would be happy. My husband, the public health nurse, the naturopath and my family doctor all suggested different avenues of support: Exercise, walks with friends, group therapy, vitamin supplements, and antidepressants. Each of these was met with a blend of ego, mistrust, and what I mistook for resilience.

Denial, however, continued till the end of the year. I stopped calling friends because I had nothing positive to say. Once my toddler was at daycare, I would stay in my bedroom with my daughter, breastfeeding while watching endless Netflix. If she napped, I’d stay in my room. I was short with most people who crossed my path. My daughter was my dutiful sidekick and she seemed to be the only one to accept me in my misery, cooing next to me, blissfully unaware of my emptiness.

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