I’ve found that the root cause of my decades-long depression is the distance between me and my cousins, aunts, and uncles, plus the absence of siblings. This is not the first time I’ve had this epiphany. But what use is an epiphany with no solutions?
As for romantic and sexual relationships, they don’t fulfill me either. I find the entire human race unlovable and cold. Everybody is too different from me. How do you bond over absent common experiences? Why does 99 percent of the population have to be neurotypical? I’ve felt that way before and I completely understand. And unfortunately, what I can do from here is limited. So before we get to my words, I want to urge you to take your depression seriously, above everything else, and talk to a therapist about medication if you haven’t already. You don’t deserve to feel sad all the time.
You’re up against a lot more than I was. I can’t even go into the details of any one dimension of where you are, because you’d need a trained therapist for that. You’ve already seen nine therapists and I’m sure you’ve gathered plenty of information from them, but no one seems to get it. So now, you just want someone to understand.
That’s reality. Reality is you, surviving and feeling shitty. But your reality won’t change dramatically just because you want it to. It’s set in stone. What you can change is how life feels inside of you. You can feel less shitty immediately, by putting all of your intellectual efforts and your narratives aside for a minute and opening your mind to one thought:This is the most terrifying thought you could ever have.
But the fact that she doesn’t just tolerate but welcomes my writing on this subject tells you that people can slowly change. They just can’t change in the exact ways you want and take the exact shape you want. If you’re fully committed to keeping them in your life, you have to accept the small changes they can manage, and love them and feel proud of them for those changes.
I know you can’t change everything at once. I know your intellectual analysis of where and who you are won’t go away completely, and I know the difficult challenges of being who you are and living through what you’ve lived through will continue. And I’m guessing that your first reaction will be, “I can’t afford to feel.”
hhavrilesky This article made me burst into tears. It hit home. I’ll try to just graze in the field for awhile. Thank you for bringing me down to earth. It’s been a rough one.
hhavrilesky It's not them that need to change, its her.
hhavrilesky I thought this was going to be about an elephant. They do live a long time...
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