I Refuse to ‘Punish’ My Son Anymore

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Instead of attributing intention to kids’ problematic behavior, a parenting method called Collaborative and Proactive Solutions aims to solve the underlying problems that produce outbursts. rmbodenheimer reports

Photo-Illustration: Photo-Illustration: The Cut; Photos: Getty Images The early weeks of the pandemic marked a low point for my relationship with my son, who was almost 8 years old then. His school was abruptly closed, first for three weeks, then for the rest of the year. I worked from home and my husband was an essential worker who had to continue going to his workplace, so the burden of continuing some semblance of education for my son fell entirely on me.

In The Explosive Child, Greene discusses three approaches to problematic behavior: Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. Plan A is essentially the “top-down” approach in which a parent imposes their expectations onto their child, and uses rewards and consequences when the child meets or fails to meet an expectation. The problem is that Plan A relies on extrinsic motivation, which doesn’t address the underlying problem.

Greene said research at the time was beginning to show that it was lagging skills, not motivation, that explained some kids’ inability to deal with frustrations. Given that CPS and the research Greene relied on to develop his approach have been around for over two decades, I wondered why the punitive mindset is still so popular among parents, teachers, and even mental health professionals.

I used to believe my son was trying to push my buttons by using “disrespectful” language. Now that I know impulsivity is a classic symptom of ADHD and that he’s not fully able to control his outbursts, it’s easier to ignore them. One thing I’ve noticed is that he often apologizes immediately after an outburst, something he never did on his own when we were using Plan A.

Robin Berl, from Jessup, Maryland, has been successfully using CPS for several years. Her 9-year-old began displaying behavioral problems right after beginning kindergarten. Berl has a background in early childhood education, and she too struggled with the lens change, particularly with letting go of expectations about what was “developmentally appropriate” for her child.

Teachers are also resistant to CPS, Calvert continued, because they think they need to set an example. “It’s all about perception that we’ve taken care of it, that we’re keeping everybody safe and that the kid got some kind of consequence that everybody knows they got,” she said. This mindset, of course, feeds into the vicious cycle of consequences and reinforces the notion that students are being willfully defiant instead of not having the skills to meet an expectation.

 

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rmbodenheimer Couple of months ago I came across a recommendation about Arnoldnike93 wealth how he helped investors to earn lots of money with their investments. and I decided to give a trial with the little I have. Now my little has turned into something great which was not my expectation

rmbodenheimer Reduce Parenting to “Can’t or Won’t”. Very different solutions You cannot punish a newborn for not knowing how to read— and you Must expect a 6 year old not to bite sibling. It becomes reflexive and empathetic

rmbodenheimer She put her 8 year old on speed? It’s insanity

rmbodenheimer Yooo.. Hooo!Finally there’re hopes appear for children not be abused for things don’t deserve to be mistreated,and adults can learn to work hard on self promoting how to better educate themselves,not to blame innocent kids instead!👏👍☝️🙏🤞

rmbodenheimer This sounds as if you brought in mckinsey...

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