'I'm a relationship therapist—this is why people cheat and how to recover'

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Psychotherapist James Earl reveals why he believes infidelity in long-term relationships is common.

So, how can we make sense of affairs? Are humans just pathetic at keeping their promises? Or is monogamy an unrealistic concept? After all, we have plenty of ideals that can be hard to stick to, but which we might still want to uphold—for example, not shouting at your kids.

Another client, Tony*, said he hadn't even really fancied the work colleague he'd slept with, at first. He told his partner:"I just felt she showed me such interest: and going to bed together just felt—well, kind of natural." My client, Sue, found she was growing close to a colleague at work. They didn't sleep together, but developed a sexting relationship for a few weeks until her husband found out. In a session with me later she said:"I just felt like I was back twenty years, before marriage and kids; the old me, sexy me, not mum-me. It was so liberating asking for what I wanted, after years of just being there for everyone else.

We also acquire different roles in relation to our partner, beyond that of simply dating and being playmates. Early in a relationship, during the dating phase, we relate to each other just as playmates; no responsibilities, just a desire to have fun, hang out, make each other laugh and have sex. So, as the relationship progresses, we are also meant to be best friends, potentially co-parents or business partners. Usually, we're the center of a whole world of friends and family. Plus, we are expected to give each other full attention, and be red-hot lovers.

I pointed out that Sally needed to find out what had happened to be able to process it, and to decide if she felt able to continue in the marriage. Jack was resistant at first, particularly when Sally was asking questions about the sex. He didn't want to hurt her, or make things worse. Think of emotional support, good conversation, non-sexual physical touch, and playfulness of all kinds. Being there for each other, having fun and supporting each other's growth.

 

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There is no recovery. Do not cheat.

Then there is the plain old chemical attraction that demands sex happens.

Stay out of relationships rule 1

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