‘I Lost My Sister. I Don’t Know How to Grieve.’

Illustration: Pedro Nekoi My sister recently passed away from her long fight with breast cancer. She was very supportive of me and would see me getting in drag a lot of times in our home. Things have been rough since that. There are times when I feel like I don’t want to do anything, times when I want to scream and cry all day.

No matter how many times I lose someone or something, grief always feels new. Sure, some of the textures and hallmarks get more familiar over time, but you never quite get used to losing. Each person, each good thing in our lives, they’re all unique, and so too are the cavities they leave behind when we find ourselves suddenly without. Absence can take on so many different shapes.

But then, you get enough distance between you and the day the wound visited you. The daily stings of loss, thinking someone is here before remembering they’re not, come less and less frequently. At some point you take enough steps, hear enough jokes, cry enough cries, that you are something new, something changed, something that can live and experience all the colors of living again rather than a select, dusty few.

I’m not trying to romanticize it, Lost. The fact of the matter is, something devastating has happened, and there isn’t a series of words I can throw at it that will make it better for you. If there were, I’d get to arranging them! But I think what I can do is remind you that you haven’t lost everything. You have all the good times with your sister. You have the lessons she taught you. You don’t even need to think of these things. They are living, breathing, as you.

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