I Hated Myself For Not Being White For Most Of My Life. Here’s How I Stopped.

, similar to flight, fight or freeze. Fawning is when you people-please to diffuse conflict in order to reestablish a sense of safety.

I learned early on that this is what I would have to do to make it through alive. I laughed off countless “open your eyes” jokes and I begged my parents to buy me Lunchables so I wouldn’t have to bring smelly kimchi to school for lunch. A friend once told me I smelled weird, so I became accustomed to spraying myself from head to toe in perfume to mask the smell of Korea whenever I left my house.

and my racial trauma, I simultaneously perpetuated and mocked Asian stereotypes and rejected the parts of myself that didn’t fit the white mold. As the saying goes,, designed to pit people of color against each other to uphold white supremacy. I fawned and tried to survive the only way I knew how, by blending in ― only that was never actually possible.

A few years after college, I felt called back to the motherland. My parents are both from large families, so I had tons of aunts, uncles, cousins and my grandmothers to welcome me with open arms. I was the black sheep in my family of origin and forever othered in America, but in Korea, I was home. For the first time, I saw myself as a Korean would.

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