I Hate My Body Because My Mother Hated Hers

at seven years old. I wasn’t overweight in the least; I was healthy and active, with the sun-kissed skin and scraped knees to prove it. But I was excited about the diet, because my mom and I were doing it together. Like the exercise videos that she’d pop into the VCR every day, or the yoga poses we did every morning, or the aerobics classes I accompanied her to at the gym . I idolized myShe never outright told me it wasto be fat, but I got the message loud and clear.

When there was food, things were good. When there wasn’t, things were bad. But eating it would make me fat, which was also bad.I never had a chance at a healthy relationship with food, or with my body. Not one single chance. They would tell her this as a warning, her own mother and grandmother, both of them round and matronly, as they’d commiserate about it over tea or while snapping green beans in the backyard. My mom was a skinny child, to the point of being embarrassed about her jutting collarbones. She was built differently. And the people who loved her worked hard to make sure she didn’t meet their same fate, the one that led them to issue warnings and sigh about how they wish it were different.

I can’t tell you the last time I was satisfied with my body; maybe never, not even back when my body looked like Iit would look now. My weight is a yo-yo, my eating habits a pendulum which swings from “fuck-it mode,” when I eat everything in sight, back to the panicked “oh my god what have I done” obsession over every calorie and carb. It doesn’t matter that my heart and muscles are strong and my health is good, or that this body has birthed and nourished children and it deserves a damn break.

I had to tell my mom to stop talking bad about her weight/body b/c she was commenting on it everytime I talked to her. Shes backed off a bit, but Ive noticed her telling my dad to make sure shes not in the pic when he pulls out his camera to take pics of their granddaughters 🙄

My mother has always said things like, “I saw that movie in 1978, you know when I weighed 102 pounds!” I always wondered what one had to do with the other. She could tell you what she weighed at any given year of her life. I watched her diet for 40 yrs of my life.

My mom took pride in only gaining 10 lbs while pregnant 4 times. She also got up before my dad to put make up on.

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