I Fear My Girlfriend Will Think I’m a Creep if I Tell Her What I Really Want

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Dear How to Do It: I’m afraid my girlfriend will think I’m a sex creep if I tell her the truth about me.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.I am a 50s man who has repressed most aspects of his sexuality for most of his life. I enjoy women, but I am very bi-curious. I have a lot of unexplored kinks. I never revealed any of this when I was dating in my 20s, and while I did reveal some interests to my wife, she was very vanilla and had no interest in exploring these with me, or in allowing me to explore on my own.

“Typical” and “sexuality” get interesting when you put them together. Unlike a blood test, quantifying our inner worlds is self-reported. We must know ourselves well to disclose accurate information. Widespread access to free pornography online has given us an interesting picture of what people seek out and watch for pleasure, and the words they use to search for it.

You may get rejected. This rejection may be gentle or harsh. If that happens, to meet people who may share your interests, you can try the forums of various websites, dating apps like Feeld and OKCupid that tend to attract more kinky people, and—when it’s safe to do so—you can go to munches or sex and fetish parties. Your people are out there, whether or not it’s this good and kind new partner.My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years now.

I’ve never really thought much about having a threesome or what it would be like to have a third person in our relationship before now. But to me that’s what makes the most sense with our current dynamic with our coworker. I would be hurt if my girlfriend and my crush had a hot summer fling without me. My girlfriend, on the other hand, had mostly been fantasizing about hooking up with Peter on her own, and says the idea of a threesome is more intimidating than exciting to her.

 

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