How 'Toxic Forgiveness' Hurts Your Relationships and Holds You Back From True Healing

. “Maybe the person who hurt you manipulated you into feeling that way, or maybe blaming yourself makes the situation feel more within your control,” she says. In either case, though, taking the full blame might lead you to “forgive” someone else when, in your heart of hearts, you’re still very much hurting as a result of their actions.

This might show up in the form of self-talk that invalidates your own feelings. If you find yourself thinking things like, “I shouldn’t be this mad,” or “I’m immature for letting this impact our relationship,” that’s a clear sign that you’re brushing aside your true feelings in service of faux forgiveness, says Schmitt.

Similarly, if you find yourself making indirect digs at your partner, that may also be a sign that unresolved feelings are lurking beneath the surface. “When we’re hurting because of a deep wound, these kinds of comments can come out over seemingly innocuous things,” says Dr. Nerenberg. “Whenever we are highly reactive, it shows that we have not worked through our hurt feelings.” That is, no matter how many apologies we’ve claimed to accept.

In this phase, it’s also important to figure out “how you actually feel and what forgiveness in this relationship means to you without letting anyone else tell you how youfeel or when it’s time to forgive,” says Mitchell-Hunter. Allowing yourself the time you need to acknowledge your hurt and anger, rather than burying those feelings “may hold the key to understanding how you can actually heal the relationship with the person who hurt you,” says Schmitt.

This kind of introspection can also help you figure out why you’re feeling so hurt in the first place—which may nothave to do with the actions of the perpetrator in question. Sometimes, deep wounds from childhood can be triggered by the behaviors of partners later in life.

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