I once thought I'd fallen in love with an adorable lawyer who started chatting with me while we waited at a crosswalk in Manhattan. I felt an immediate spark, and after we exchanged numbers, we planned our first date without ever bringing up our ages. A week later, somewhere between one and four glasses of wine, he told me I looked “quite young” and asked how old I was.
“I’m 38,” he said. Thirty-eight. I wouldn’t have guessed, I told him. Then he excused himself to the go to the bathroom while I sat wondering what our relationship age gap meant: Would he want to move faster in a relationship? Would he be thinking about children already? Would he be appalled by my tiny studio apartment, which I could barely afford?
We continued to date until, eventually, our lifestyles proved drastically different. His career and financial situations were a far cry from mine, and the idea of things getting serious felt rushed and scary to me. He was closer to 40 than I was to 30, and I felt like he’d inevitably want marriage and children much sooner than I would. So I let our connection slip away, allowing my concern over our age difference to overshadow our passion.
Couples with a big age difference need to think things through or risk finding themselves at conflicting stages in their relationship. “You can see varied cultural references, disapproval from family and friends, and perhaps community disapproval, as well,” says Rachel Sussman, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York. “It might be hard to relate to each other’s peer groups too.”
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