Dear Prudie: What do I say the next time I see her?
Her actions have always seemed desperate to me.
Dear Prudence,It’s hard for me to make good friends that last. A few years ago, I made a good friend at work. We could talk to each other about everything. Our kids got on really well too, which was an added bonus. There was just one issue: My husband hated her from the get-go. At first he gave shallow reasons like she’s too tall or she just looks untrustworthy. Later, if we ever got in an argument, he’d jump at the chance to put her down more. Eventually he forbade me from seeing her unless our kids were present. I still would hang out with her alone as adults here and there; I’d just not tell him. I never told her my husband did not want me seeing her. Eventually, she found out and was furious. The next day, my husband looked her email up on the school contact list and sent a hate-filled email to her. He never told me and acted completely normal. She forwarded it to me and said we couldn’t be friends or even speak anymore. I apologized to her, acknowledging I put her in a terrible situation, but to no avail. I get it, she shouldn’t have to deal with that. I was devastated, work is completely awkward and miserable, I really miss my friend, and my daughter misses her friends. My husband feels victorious and has been extra nice lately. I’m having a difficult time feeling OK around my husband. I confronted him about the email, but he responded that he probably went a little too far but was not sorry for doing it because he got me back. This is somewhat creepy to me. I see a therapist, but he refuses to go, saying they are all against him and our marriage. How is it possible to rebuild trust and a healthy relationship where there has been so much dysfunction and mistrust for so long?
AdvertisementAdvertisementYou can’t rebuild trust with someone against his will,and your husband has demonstrated no interest in behaving in a trustworthy matter. You say it’s hard for you to make good friends that last, and I’m worried this is not the first time your husband has gone out of his way to keep you from developing relationships with anyone who isn’t him. Your husband is controlling, creepy, abusive, and cruel. He didn’t go a “little too far”—he tried to keep you, an adult woman, from having friends, sent abusive messages to your friend at her work email, and refused to apologize for doing so. In fact he congratulates himself on “getting you back,” as if your having friends was somehow a threat to your marriage. It is not only not possible, it is not desirable to rebuild a relationship with this man. You and your children are better off without him. —Read more: Slate »
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Your child is more likely to grow up to be a decent person if she spends less time with you & more with your former friend who shouldn’t forgive you and should let all your mutuals know everything that way you’ll have more time for your precious family. You’re just a bad person.
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