CHICAGO—Despite broiling temperatures that have plagued the residents of the Midwest and much of the Eastern Seaboard throughout the week, local man and lifelong contrarian Martin Rivers told reporters Thursday that the ongoing heat wave does not in fact bother him.
“Everyone’s been complaining about the weather lately, but I’ve always liked when it gets nice and hot like this,” the aggressively contrary man said of the recent surge of intense heat and humidity that has seen temperatures climb well into the 90s, adding that “it feels good to sweat.” “I like distinct seasons, you know, and I think it’s nice to have weather extremes every once in a while.
Anyone who doesn't mortgage his soul to buy an air-conditioner in 107-degree heat is an alien. I think the Men in Black should be called. :)
peterpersom hello my local contrarian, is the heat wave bothering you?
Lots of dudes I know are completing for the Conan the Contrarian title.
I hate that guy
This is the exact kinda face I imagine when I hear the term 'Local Contrarian'
Follow me. It's not hot over here!
It's not the heat, but the humanity.
HoxtonHill
Local Contrarian
hanksportster Damn, ain't that the way.
Sorry to see that The Onion is still dirtbag left.
Or does it ?
Popehat 😝😝😝😝😝
“You say print media is dead, I say it’s never been more alive.” - local-media contrarian
Love the heat great summer
dandupreedesign should’ve been a picture of Yoder 😂
Thought that was Micheal Brooks at first
Local Contrarian is the hero we deserve.
“But it’s just a dry heat”
mccabevaluation I agree with this man
“individual was loudly airing his hopes that the intense heat would continue through the weekend.” 😂🤣
He's me
I agree with him. These heat-moaners will be complaining about the cold in a few months. Area Man and I will remember...
You could not have found a better stock photo 😂
“Nothing like a warm glass of milk during a heat wave while eating a piping hot pizza”
Warning: No beverages around Onion articles.
yes it does.
This looks like if your face morphed Eminem and Michael Brooks.
OlaSoderholm
I just want to remind everyone that the contrarian doesn't believe in deodorant either.
it’s not that hot.
Matt Yeglesis
This guy also wears shorts and a t-shirt when it's 28 degrees and says 'I just don't get cold'
So in this case he is not a contrarian.
'You think 105 degrees is hot? I lived in the Sahara desert for 3 years.'
Dave Gorman is looking well.
This dude is just default mode for Oregonians
Was this picture taken in downtown La Crosse?
Cc: JohnJcenteno
Looks like Ari Shaffir with a smaller nose
DrDickStroker he’s just like me wtf
The type of guy who always complains about why the “feels like” temp is higher than the actual temp and how it makes no sense, regardless of having it explained to him numerous times.
What happened to the onion? It used to be funny, intellectual, sometimes dark but satirical. Now it's just blandly ironic at best.
He looks bothered.
that looks like the chipper boy from the co op
Hes a maverick free thinker
Mom?
Counterpoint: yes it does.
He seems to be cool
Might be because it doesn't really get hot where he is.
I hate these people
He must wear a sweater
In related news. A local contraion has died of heatstroke.
Slim Brady
Yeah! I'm the local contrarian.
Too cool to bother...
Hey! It’s the fucking humidity NOT the heat!
Contrarians when I beat them with a rock (I disagree with common morals against assault)
Contrarian
TaylorLorenz
Eminem if he never gor into rapping
BryanSeabury 😂
Has regular aneurysm over tweets
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