Photo: Sofiâ Kolymagina / EyeEm/Getty Images/EyeEm I find out I’m pregnant on Valentine’s day, the day before I turn 44. I’m up early, trying to finish a draft of my fourth novel, which is, ironically, about motherhood and femme identity. I’ve never had a baby, but I’ve been contemplating motherhood for years.
I have a long conversation with my friend Kaleb, who has always wanted to be a parent but, like me, never found the right partner to do it with. We sit in the dim light of a West End Toronto café and decide to co-parent together as a platonic queer/trans family. When I am six and a half weeks pregnant, he comes with me to my first ultrasound. The heartbeat sounds strong.
It’s only every once in a while I think, what if I miscarry during the worst of the pandemic? I live alone. My friends are all locked down. What if the ERs are overrun? My hands shake while I hand the receptionist my health card and then slather it in sanitizer when she returns it to me. The radiologist doesn’t wear a mask and doesn’t seem concerned about our proximity, which makes me extra-nervous. She tries to hear the heartbeat using the over-the-belly ultrasound. She makes no noise. For once in my life, I do not crack jokes.
Inside my apartment, I wash my hands, take my clothes off at the door and put them in a hot-water wash, spray my keys and wallet with rubbing alcohol and then shower, weeping.
zoewhittall sending you love and light ❤️🙏🏻
zoewhittall i'm gutted by this headline alone.
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