ATLANTA—Begging Americans to just use some common sense, exhausted CDC researchers assured the public Thursday that there had been no indication that the Covid
-19 vaccine would shrink you down to the size of an ant.
times your own weight, it’s just so you don’t get sick.” When asked if there was a chance the vaccine could transform users into a giant oak tree, Martin threw up her hands and said “Y
Just your breasts!
So I'm stuck at 6'5'? Damnit
The furry culture of Micro May has transcended to The Onion
well now I don’t want it :(
Then I better figure out what I have been taking and when it will wear off. Luckily my phone is fully charged allowing me to make ironic posts on Twitter about my problem. Thank goodness for technology. Otherwise I might not have realized there was an issue until my battery died
Are you certain?
then why take it?
peppercoyote Wh- ok that's enough internet for today
lwisabishi
ant-man is out there somewhere crying or sweating
I've been told it's moreso the size of a standard Swedish Meatball.
Damnit, I was really hoping....
Okay, but what if I was into that?
Oh c'mon science! Make that shit happen. How hard could it be?
I disagree.
Well why the fuck should I get it now?
Women are desperately seeking vaccinated men with jobs and feminist values. They may have to settle for less, given the short time before the next pandemic.
Remember it’s black and white like yin yang not skin...there is no racism...that’s a human construct
Who am I going to believe, researchers, or the Mommy Juice Facebook group?
But the Pym Particles & the micro-chip! What are you even saying?
then it's fucking useless
Be well little monkey hahahaha
You don't know that for certain. I've heard from someone on Facebook that they read on Breitbart that a video of someone getting a vaccine and immediately shrinking down to the size of an ant was actually what was on Hunter Biden's hard disk.
because it does this!
I just want the windows start up tune when I wake up to go away
THAT'S WHY I WANTED IT!!!
Are there other vaccines that will please I'm desperate
I thought the Onion was supposed to be satire
thank god, I just want to be turned into an alligator. Who wants to be a fucking ant?
Thank God, I was awake at night thinking about that.
But I was hoping it would do so 😭
Will it make my ass look better in jeans?
Honey I vaccinated the kids
Well then I'm not taking it.
That's a very specific claim. How small will it shrink you?
It WON'T? Well, shit, now I'm definitely not taking it.
I’m not going to take the Ant Vaccine until I’m able to talk to all the ants who have had it and see what they think.
Then why get it - I want to fuck an ant
So why tf would i even get it
If it won't do ants, will it do uncles?
slow humor day ?
Well then...what's the point?!?!?
Is that Jen psaki?
Although as we approach Valentines Day, should the mood strike, the shot does come with tweezers and a magnifying glass.
Well there go my weekend plans
Definitely not. This scientist is clearly indicating size reduction to something more in the cicada family
The won't ... but they could right? ;-)
It wont ‘shrink you’ but the survival rate seems to be about 97%
I want some bat wings so I can be a super hero. Does the vaccine include bat DNA?
*aunt
Why is this picture not of Rick Moranis? And you call yourselves journalists, SMH.
It’s safe y’all.
ⁱ ᵇᵉᵍ ᵗᵒ ᵈⁱᶠᶠᵉʳ 𖨆
Unless you want it to, then yeah. Either way, take the damn shot.
How about shrinks my waistline to 2005 level? Can it do that at least?
Damn, I was counting on that
'however, by now you must be wearing 15 or 20 masks and r therefore technically shrunk by our measurements, so its more of a 'wee in the wad' thing by the time we get done with ya!'
Even if I feel antsy about it?
I’m surprised this wasn’t censored for spreading misinformation. *looks at profile. *realizing it’s satire. 🤯
Not with that attitude it won’t
This is exactly what someone who wants to shrink me to the size of an ant would say!
It will instead bulk you to the size of a cow.
On the plus side it will make an ant as big as a human.
Then I’m not fucking taking it
Prove it
Come on Onion, don't give the Q people more stupid ideas haha
That's great news, but what about the microchip?
Damn!
So exactly how much does it shrink you?
No, not me, but my wee wee.
media is lying again. 😔
Then what's the point of taking it?
Phew, that's good news. I don't want to be ant-man but Batman or spiderman...
MackayIM Everything would have been easier if right at the start, they mentioned, as an aside, that there is a tiny possibility of CV-19 giving you erectile dysfunction. Followed by strong denials that it was at all likely and 'forget we said it'. 50% immediately compliant - :)
RimonahCorgi
Yes you will, Congress said so.
Makes you wonder. To what size will it shrink you down to then?
SizeTwitter didn't like that
Well... Fuck. 😒
WHY NOT!?
Not true, I saw GhostSkunk get tiny and I'm afraid I might have squished em
Do you have an antidote, just in case?
Well then how much will I shrink?
Okay. But will it cause me to grow into a rampaging monster that might threaten Tokyo?
Yes but Facebook says it will... and that's the Freedumb that matters!
Is that good or bad?
Onion Writers Give Up Attempts To Write Satire More Ridiculous Than Reality
Avengers Associate Scott Lang Tells Anti-Vaxxers To Stop Posting Videos Of Him Out Of Context
Well i need to see proof. 🤣
Whew! I was very specifically worried about that.
D
That sounds about right for the level of absurdity that we're dealing with now.
zombies though :/
Sounds like someone making a vaccine that will shrink me down to the size of an ant would say
Duh, obviously not. But will it make people transform into a savage alter-ego who lives in the shadows and commits crimes in London by night? Asking for a friend.
Dammit! It was my last remaining hope.
So, you’re saying it does not contain Pym Particles?
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