Department Of Interior Sets Aside Portion Of Florida Beachfront As National ‘Wild Things’ Preserve

📆 7/15/2019 12:23 PM
📰 TheOnion

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WASHINGTON—Officially safeguarding the area’s secluded hot tubs, three-way friendly bungalows, and unlit beaches where troublesome friends can be quietly disposed of, the Department of Interior set aside a 300-mile stretch of Florida coastline as a National Wild Things Preserve, the agency reported Friday. “With their natural habitat now federally protected, devious young party girls can roam completely free, removing their tops at will and taking part in elaborate cons to defraud wealthy widows out of their deceased husbands’ fortunes,” said Deputy Secretary David L. Bernhardt, adding that the land would be a haven for all Wild Things, whether they be preppy and popular, or poor outcasts who use the power of seduction to get ahead. “By taking these steps today, we are ensuring that future generations will be able to enjoy these beautiful creatures and their erotically tinged slap fights that quickly segue into full-on lesbian intercourse.” Bernhardt added that to bolster the Wild Things’ population, the government would be issuing seasonal permits to hunt the meddlesome police investigators who are in on the scheme.

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The Adult Disney World finally opens. Parents rush to leave their kids in regular Disney World Day Care.

If only ... 🙄

One of the great sleaze fests of the 90s. A double billing with this and Showgirls or maybe The Babysitter would be awesome.

The Jeffrey Epstein Girls Gone Wildlife Refuge.

ThomsonCam Yes - but what about the devious ambulance chasing attorneys? Who is looking out for them?

I'm all in favor of this & I'd like to second the motion.....

Oh My Goodness! Let’s push “HETEROSEXUALITY” on them and see how fast they STOP! 🛑 Nobody wants to know - Especially, (straight people!) Who you’re kissing, sleeping with, or dressing like! I DON’T want to know!! I DON’T CARE! Move on and cut the $it! Enough!

The Andy Sidaris memorial preserve.

POTUS Declares Eminent Domain, Renames Five Mile Stretch 'Ivanka Beach'.

They should thrive in their natural habitat.

I know Wild Things is a bit of a meme movie but the ending(s) was awesome

JohnEkdahl I need to pick that movie up, so many memories...

Except, no “darkies” on the beach.... per DerangedDonald ...

You know we're in trouble when satire pieces are so easily mistaken for real news...

And JeffreyEpstein's Manhattan townhouse.

Bout time! TrumpIsAHashtag

The first time I witnessed a horrible boob job. Poor thing.

WTF! What am I seeing 😨?

Damn you Onion for rekindling my 'Wild Things' woody!

👏👏👏😂

Really!!!!!!

you need to push the satire harder these days. considering Robert Kraft's little expeditions to Florida and drumpf in the white house it's really not that far fetched.

Girls should not kiss other girls in public places like that

NonSequiturGirl

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