When you Google “single and pregnant” the results are predominately based around survival, and for good reason; the solo-and-pregnant struggle is real. Though the single-parent-by-choice movement is growing bigger all the time, it’s still not an intentional decision for the majority of the population. As a result, most articles seem to focus on how to get through the next nine months with some shred of sanity, and stress the importance of asking for help.
This sentiment seems to be echoed almost everywhere I turned. When I wrote my first essay for FLARE, about my decision to become a single mom by choice, someone commented on the Facebook post that I “could have found someone…”, and a large number of my DMs and emails have centered around the question, “Aren’t you afraid you’ll be alone forever?” I definitely get where people are coming from with the it-will-be-so-much-harder-to-meet-someone-now stance—in a lot of ways, they’re right.
Once I noticed the shift I wanted to test this whole theory out on a more measurable scale, so I settled upon a research strategy. I made three online dating accounts on three platforms—Bumble, Tinder and Hinge—because, science. On both Tinder and Bumble I laid everything out upfront with a profile that read, “Single and pregnant via sperm donor. I was ready to be a mom and hadn’t found the right guy, so I went ahead without him.
And then there’s Bumble, my ride-or-die in the dating app world. I’ve been using the cute little yellow hive for years and have had multiple successful relationships come about from it. I started to work directly with the brand on my Instagram, and I even spoke on a panel about sex and relationships they hosted this past year—so, yeah, I’m a fan.
I reasoned it was wrong to tell him I was pregnant by a sperm donor via text message, so I avoided the subject in the lengthy conversations we had while he was away. As the weeks went on and he didn’t show any signs of going anywhere—even sending me a bouquet of my favourite coral charm peonies when he heard my senior pup had gone into surgery—I started to panic.
I’m still not sure whether his friends got to him, or he tapped into how much I had been pulling away—as I got to know R I realized there was a lot about him that just didn’t fit, and had been acting accordingly. He was almost constantly drinking and still enjoyed recreational chemical drugs from time to time, two things I didn’t really want in my life generally, but especially with a baby on the way.
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