Confessions of a Department Store Virgin

It wasn’t completely dreary, however. The ample space allowed us to freely browse, and we were happy just to gawk at the new collections. Riccardo Tisci’s Burberry logomania! The delicious hues of Sies Marjan. We were seeing up close and in person what we had only glimpsed on the runway. I tried on one thing, a gray robe coat from The Row. It was soft, like it had been sheared from the goat mere seconds ago. The price was five times my rent.

Toward the end of our adult field trip, I was wondering what was I trying to discover at Barneys. Physically? Emotionally? I wanted the feeling of having some sort of New York experience, like getting flashed or barfing out the window of a cab. But I hadn’t felt anything: I was at a gigantic department store that was really clean and really empty. I was in the backseat of the Death Star, but for cashmere cardigans.

I’d like to say that I walked out with the coaster. A receipt of some sort. Nonetheless, I left empty-handed, and did not feel remorseful about not getting it. Though, for the first time in my life, I had just spent the day at Barneys. Still, I really wish I had gotten a bag. Those were pretty iconic. Luxurious, even.

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