CINCINNATI—Reacting surprisingly well to a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss against the Los Angeles Rams, Cincinnati residents announced plans Sunday to take solace in their city’s reliable lack of culture, terrible food, stupid name, boring downtown, high crime, dearth of any distinctive features, mediocre walkability, and everything else they’ve got going for them in the completely unremarkable town they’ve chosen to spend their lives in.
“No need to gild the lily, we’ve still got everything we need right here in this gray hole where we eke out a bland existence,” said a chipper, forgettable Cincinnati resident with a generic Midwestern name like John Murray, adding that pretty soon it would be April, when they might have a chance at seeing the sun again.
The building sized painting of George Washington in Drag in Camp Washington adds flavor.
Unlike the flat suburban sprawl of LA and crime rate. We are 50% black 50% white and don’t kill each other. We have history and the architecture to show it. LA keep filming your movies here versus the cardboard you have to throw together to imitate culture.
Honestly, as someone with in-laws in Cincinnati -- I have to say it's a surprisingly lovely town, with beautiful architecture and a very cool downtown (that's only getting better). My wife and I got married in an historic church, in Over the Rhine. Food is getting better...
That's cause yall are in the downtown 😐 otr is where you need to go
Sitting on a rickety canoe on the cuyahoga and watching the noodle chili people take the teensiest of lumps and freaking out about it
lol you good
Lol
Cincinnati bulldozed their city to turn it into one big drive through and now surprised why it is not a city but just one more drive through in the US
New Onion Headline: Big City Slicker Folks Enjoy Favorite Past Time of Trashing Smaller Places While Cowering in Their Traffic Jam Vehicles Dodging Drive By Bullets
Living in Chicago fucking sucked so I moved back to Cincinnati in 2014 and have never looked back. Chiraq
Jesus
So the writers ex-girlfriend is from Cincinnati, got it
This take is so ass
I thought this account was satire?
Literally have the Hall of Justice downtown and you're talking this trash. Just admit you've never been there 🤷♂️
Wow
Damn. Think the LA roast would have been better (had they lost).
I guess you were rooting for the other team 😂
The writers of Babes in Toyland are gonna come for you…
Bad Onion! NO! lol
Saying the name sucks makes me think they don't know where the name comes from. Guy in ancient Rome who saved Rome and then walked away from power to be a farmer.
Cincinnati stole the Onion's girlfriend in high school, clearly.
HouseofRun you were early to the punchline.
Why do you capitalize every word?
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Great job “The Onion”.
YaBoiDhole accurate?
Damn, that's cold. Kicking them in their ugly uniforms, while they're down.
They have jungle Jim's and chili they put on noodles (that's a stroganoff) isn't that enough?
Im from Cincinnati and hated it there but this list is so astonishingly incorrect. The Onion should stop trying comedy and fade away like Napster and Myspace and other early internet venues that failed
I’ll clear things up here. First digital traffic signs: Cincy. First fire department: Cincy. Proctor & Gamble: Cincy. Ulysses S. Grant: Cincy. William H Taft: Cincy. Underground Railroad: Cincy. Reds: oldest team in baseball: Cincy. Go get educated.
I hate Cincinnati, but my god how far The Onion has fallen…
The best thing about this is how you can tell immediately which comments were made by people from Cincinnati. It's the Onion folks relax, this is what they do. Should have added 'hypersensitive with 0 sense of humor.'
remember when the onion was funny?
The Charlie Brown football bit was right there
ScottMendelson Former area man making $50 a post at deadspin assumes everyone hates Cincy because he got called cart-man brah at junior high there
You forgot to mention shitty roads, and an overabundance of mediocre microbreweries.
I read it first, than said this better be the Onion 🧅 😂😂
Lots of anger in these replies, many saying 'hire a midwesterner who knows the city'. Thing is, I think they hired a midwesterner that knows the city TOO well.
Jesus really listens to prayers from Californians over those from the Midwest or Texas.
Cincinnati is not Columbus
Ouch
This is just a trash take from a bunch of Brooklyn hipster wannabes
💀💀💀
They do have the most beautiful train station building/ superfriends headquarters
I actually kind of like Cincinnati's name. Better than being the like 107th Springfield in the nation.
The unbelievably salty Cincinnati residents in this comment section show what an incredible headline this really is lmao
lol like only 200 ppl are offended-- everyone else just thinks cincinnati is shit lol.
They have chili fries or something at the zoo tho
Yeah, this is a miss. Cincy frankly beats its most comparable midwestern peers on culture, food, downtown, & architecture. It’s a big shame considering just how easy it is to ACTUALLY make fun of this place.
I liked Cincinnati because I worked with cool and talented people who called it home. Mind you, my point of ref was Indy, Dayton and Columbus…
But there's a zoo!
I live in Cincinnati and agree with everything in here except don't you DARE insult our CHILI. It's the only good thing we have.
Cincinnati has high crime? Aren’t you guys based out of “Chiraq?”
You tweeted this from a bodega.
Okay, rude.
If you're wounded by an Onion headline, it's time to log off
did cincinnati kill your family?
They’ve got good chili
:{ They’re now elite corporation.
bufordsharkley
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