Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

“I looked at the calendar yesterday, and I couldn’t believe my eyes—9/11 is almost here!” a rosy-cheeked Cheney said upon returning to the White House Sunday with two giant bags overflowing with gift-wrapped boxes and big red bows. “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

“I think I’ve outdone myself this year—I bought the president a box of cigars and a brand-new fountain pen, I got Condoleezza [Rice] a beautiful blue blazer, and for my wife [Lynne] I bought a diamond necklace, a new winter coat, and this neat little motorized airplane ornament to hang on the 9/11 towers,” Cheney told reporters while perusing the windows of New York’s famed Park Avenue shops. “And for [grandson] Samuel I bought about a million toys and games and 9/11 nutcrackers.

But amid all the decorating and gift-giving, Vice President Cheney is careful not to let all the 9/11 festivities distract him from the deeper significance the day holds.“Sometimes, in all the hustle and bustle of the season, it’s easy to forget the true meaning of Sept. 11,” Cheney said. “Sept. 11 is not about fancy 9/11 parades, or big 9/11 office parties. In fact, it’s not even just about two buildings crumbling to the ground and leaving thousands of innocent people dead.

matthewstoller I'm a little disappointed. I thought this would be about him celebrating how much money he made because of 9/11. But I guess that wouldn't be satire.

I remember when this article first appeared and how it was poorly received by my family when they read it.

Damn! He lost weight?

I love you guys.

You mean ‘grifts’ don’t you?

Holy shit this is a good one

Young hearts for all!

onion you spin my head right round right round

This article is absolutely savage.

So the hell what? Geez

He is clearly being followed. And the man is not smiling.

I suppose getting a water board gift-wrapped in time might be an issue this year.

Wasn’t 9/11 the ultimate gift for Cheney?

Hallmark is missing an opportunity.

bravo

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