Dick Cheney, Politics, Bush Administration, Vol 44 Issue 36, Politics

Dick Cheney, Politics

Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

9.9.2019

Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

WASHINGTON—Busy dealing with important paperwork and other vice presidential duties in recent weeks, Dick Cheney was forced to put off until the last minute a cherished annual tradition: gift-shopping for his favorite holiday, 9/11.

While Cheney is known by many to be cold and taciturn for the other 11 months of the year, those close to the vice president say there is something about the 9/11 season that puts a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Each Sept. 11 morning since 2001, Cheney has come to work donning a fireman costume and handed out small, thoughtful gifts to all White House staffers. In addition, at his home on 9/11 Eve, Cheney lays out large piles of presents for his children and grandchildren underneath the colorfully lit, six-foot-tall 9/11 towers that he sets up by the fireplace.

The vice president then reiterated how fortunate he was to have received his big 9/11 bonus early this year.

Although Cheney himself has never received any Sept. 11 gifts, with the exception of a pair of silk pajamas from his wife and a second term in office, he insisted that he gets more joy from giving than receiving. According to Cheney, Sept. 11 is a time to reflect and give thanks for all the benefits and blessings 9/11 has given him in the past.

“I don’t know what’s happened,” Cheney said. “Less than seven years ago, 9/11 seemed like a huge event for every American. Back then, on Sept. 11 morning, everyone would dart downstairs at 8:46 a.m. sharp, shouting and screaming, and the ground outside would be blanketed in the most beautiful gray as far as the eye could see. I especially loved the streets of New York during this season—the lights, the sounds, people rushing every which way, the sidewalks so crowded you could barely move, the wide-eyed looks on the people’s faces. The whole New York skyline was lit up like a Christmas tree.”

Read more: The Onion

I remember when this article first appeared and how it was poorly received by my family when they read it. Damn! He lost weight? I love you guys. You mean ‘grifts’ don’t you? Holy shit this is a good one Young hearts for all! onion you spin my head right round right round So the hell what? Geez This article is absolutely savage.

He is clearly being followed. And the man is not smiling. I suppose getting a water board gift-wrapped in time might be an issue this year.

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