Boys Often Don’t Recognize When They’ve Been Sexually Assaulted

Photo: Amanda Arantes / EyeEm/Getty Images/EyeEm How to Raise a Boy is a weeklong series centered around this urgent question in the era of Parkland, President Trump, and #MeToo.

After that, Dylan’s memory fractures. He recalls Julia, who was sober, fumbling with his pants. Julia, touching his penis. He must’ve gotten an erection, though he doesn’t remember that. His head ached, that he can say for sure. And then … nothing. “I had to call her the next day and — oh, God — ask if we’d had sex,” he told me.“I didn’t want to do that!” Dylan said. He’d never had intercourse before. He’d wanted the first time to be special.

Dylan couldn’t tell anyone about what had happened. His mother, a devout Catholic, considered sex outside of marriage to be a mortal sin; being shit-faced was hardly an excuse. His father, an atheist, was more lenient, but Dylan described his dad as “a man’s man: cold, closed off, emotionally disconnected.” How could he tell a guy like that that he’d been assaulted? By a girl? “The fact that I let a woman overpower me,” Dylan said, “I don’t want people to know that.

Legally speaking, you call it sexual assault. But in reality, few guys do. Jessie Ford, a post-doctoral student in sociology at New York University, interviewed 80 straight college students, half male and half female, about a spectrum of experience from unwanted sex — which they chose to continue but believe they could’ve stopped — to assault .

When he did start dating again, Dylan’s new girlfriend wanted to have sex. He kept putting her off, without saying why. One night, at another party, she got drunk and started yelling at him, “Why are you being such a prude?” So he told her the truth.

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