Biden Addresses Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘My Advisors Told Me To Say They Aren’t True’

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WASHINGTON—Addressing allegations by Tara Reade that the Democratic presidential candidate sexually assaulted her during her time as a Senate aide, Joe Biden responded after weeks of silence Friday by telling reporters, “My advisors told me to say they aren’t true.” “I want to be clear—my campaign staff explicitly told me to claim this never happened,” said Biden, who appeared on MSNBC to share what he had rehearsed with his team of highly paid campaign strategists and PR professionals. “After consulting with the best legal team money can buy, I’ve decided to state this unequivocally did not happen. I want the American people to know that internal polling has shown I should forcefully deny this and move on. I hope I can dispel any doubts you still might hold that I would go against my advisors’ wishes and confirm this happened.” At press time, Biden had called upon the National Archives to release any documents they had that might support Reade’s allegations after his advisors had confirmed they didn’t exist.

Source: Law Daily Report (lawdailyreport.net)

 

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Um.. He's the savior, so you might want to just shut up, Onion.

LovesTheBern Hilarious and sad.

Really bad jokes

gandhi_mctits

The Onion: Brilliant satire except on the topic of anyone who dares defeat Bernie Sanders in an election. Then the comedy gets shelved, and the knives come out. I miss Robert Siegel and his crew. They followed the comedy. This Biden stuff isn't funny; it's just vindictive.

KMurphyIndep 🤣🤣🤣 Must be LeoVaradkar advisors too. NotMyTaoiseach Trending again, yeah

I'm confused, is still satire, or...?

banditVEVO Lets come back in two weeks and see if this one materialises.

fenixrzg This might be the truest headline in the history of , when they didn’t mean for it to be.

RafFaithfull IKR? So many people were like, 'well, let's wait to hear what he has to say.' What did you THINK he was going to say? 'Oh, yeah, I stuck my fingers into her vulva ... but hey, you missed all the other women/girls I assaulted'?

I miss when The Onion was actually clever.

Say it ain't so Joe, say it ain't so

Fuck y’all

So you're just straight reporting now?

When did onion start posting real news.

Our timeline: when The Onion is more credible than.. oh whatever

More accurate reporting than MSNBC

yes queen sleigh

Donkeyphants are triggered

Oh you guys are in for it now

The onion, once again a more reliable source of news than the nyt

DementiaScene

I never thought the onion would ever report real news

This is just a real news article.

This isn’t satire this is true

cit_uprising When satire has been deemed obsolete

This is supposed to be a satire site

Eventually the onion and CNN are gonna be running identical headlines.

I thought you guys were supposed to be a Satire News Network, but you've been reporting FAR more truth than I've ever seen on mainstream media network

Can't keep up with real life. It's ok. We know you are trying. It's not you.

As if this was satire.

This isn't funny, just another generic political garbage tier meme. You want to make a funny and insightful jab at Biden go for it, you want to regurgitate Bro memes well that's just lame.

I don’t remember anything like that isnt too convincing

I don’t understand, is there a joke here?

Politics itself today is doing the Onions job for them 🤦‍♂️

where's the joke?

ITT: libs mad

This is just the news.

WokeDudeBro Dementia man could be worse than Stalin and Hitler combined and I would still for him over the orange man.

I thought this was supposed to be satire

this isn't satire its what happened

lmao isn't this supposed to be satire?

Onion is breaking satire levels right now

He should say she was wearing panty hose so he couldn't have entered her.

LimothyM

NotTheOnion

DebsDiaries We don't want a president with bad advisors, do we?

does the onion does reporting now?

allisw0nderland

Unfollowed and blocked, is supposed to write about satire. All I see is truth

Wait this is real I dont get it onion, this IS REAL

Look Jack, I don't recall this incident happening just like I don't remember what I had for breakfast.

Please post fake news, not real news.

Aren't u guys supposed to be a satirical page? This is the truth.

not so much satire as stenography

SavageJoyMarie1 This isn’t even satire at this point, he’s literally doing that! He has Anita Dunn as his advisor for fuck sake! The woman who advised and defended Harvey Weinstein! 😬

Truth is the best form of satire

shartshrapnel

The Onion has turned into a reliable news outlet

Where's the satire?

I guess is just doing hard news takes now....

Wait a minute...I thought you guys did satire!

Hey I thought the onion was supposed to be satire!!

Whoa, when did you guys stop doing satire?

That's about right...

This feels like a joke someone wrote when running up against their deadline

briebriejoy

Guys y'all are getting a little bit real here you okay?

Biden Bros googling what time it is in Moscow right now

Disgruntled Bernie Bro Chooses Today's Onion Headline

Gonna have to unfollow. Unfortunate.

Biden in real life and in The Onion, same thing

MattieWashburn He probably doesn’t even remember it, his brain is so fucked

NYforSanders ReleaseTheRecords ReleaseTaraFiles

Reading from teleprompter but screws it up..

So sorry you all are having such a hard time with satire lately. 😐

Look at all those Russian trolls on here

-Mr. Biden, are the allegations true? -Yes but you should not believe them

franklin_tower

This is going to be a classic

New campaign slogan - Hold My Beer. (Or ice cream cone, or whatever.)

I thought these were satire

So, you decided being actually clever is no longer a critical component of your comedy? Unfollowing.

Unfollowing this BS

Assault her? I can’t even remember the women I assaulted last week!

lexistentiaI NOOO!!!! YOU CANT JUST SAY THAT!!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

When did the onion start reporting real news?

They also told me to throw in the meaningless, pandering 'women have a right to be heard' part.

Ok

This site is meant to publish satire...

Not remotely clever

😂😂🤣

Joe could burn my house down, and I would still vote for him. Nice try GOP, Trump is out in November!! Biden2020

Fake news and GOP smear campaign

'You want a piece of this, bitches? Come at me!'

This isn’t satire

Yeah i could release my records, but cmon maaaaan

Where's the satire here?

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Joe Biden Addresses Sexual Assault Allegation: 'This Never Happened'Former Vice President Joe Biden, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, addressed a sexual assault allegation from a former staffer, saying: 'This never happened.' Details: Now let's repeat the MANY stories of accusations of Trump! How'd that Stormy D payment play out? Where was Melania? Oh yeah at home nursing a newborn. Vote JoeBiden and BLUE all down the ballot! This story does not sway my vote. I believe Joe! So the woman is a liar. That's what all the men say, right? How do you decide whom to believe? Does their party affiliation matter? Exactly. He's not the not the nominee and berniesanders isn't really out of the race. In fact, his team is livid that the DNC cancelled the NY State Primary - he was still on the ballot.
Source: THR - 🏆 411. / 53 Read more »

A Timeline Of Tara Reade’s Sexual Assault Allegations Against Joe BidenBiden’s campaign has denied the allegations. I honestly don't care. She waited 25 years until we're in the middle of a live or die election. I felt the same about Kavanaugh. A lot of bad shit happened to me 25 years ago, a hell of a lot worse than this, but you grow the hell up and move on.
Source: Forbes - 🏆 394. / 53 Read more »

Former Bernie Sanders aides pressure Biden to drop out over sexual assault allegation - Business Insider'Out of respect for survivors and for the good of the country, he should withdraw from the race,' Sanders' 2020 national organizing director tweeted. If that happened it would mean Bernie did something useful. We believe Tara Reade Hayi bayanya abo! They must forget about it!
Source: BusinessInsider - 🏆 729. / 51 Read more »

New Information Emerges Around Biden Sexual Assault AllegationNEW: A former neighbor recalled to NPR that Tara Reade relayed the same detailed sexual assault accusation against Joe Biden in a conversation the two had approximately 25 years ago. The Biden campaign denies the alleged incident. She should have reported it to the police. 🤔 is her name Linda?
Source: NPR - 🏆 96. / 63 Read more »