Ask Sahaj: Spending time with my family feels ‘performative’ and ‘oppressive’

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A reader finds spending time with their family to be “performative, oppressive, and punitive.”

I am wondering if it’s normal for families to feel anxious about performing acts of togetherness. On both my husband’s and my own side of the family, it seems like we all feel some sort of desperation to perform acts of togetherness beyond our normal joy of actually being together.

I think what you actually want to know is whether this is healthy. You feel anxious and stifled by your family’s need to be together. Are there certain people in your family who have more control than others? Is communication encouraged? Are individual needs valued and respected by everyone? Think about small ways to make changes that feel doable for you. You can’t change everyone in your family, but you can change how you and your husband manage your time.

You and your husband should discuss this together and figure out if you feel similarly and how to safeguard one another with your respective families.

 

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