Ask Polly: ‘All of My Friends Are Terrible But I Love Them. What Can I Do?’

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Asking for exactly what you need doesn’t make you unlovable — quite the opposite

Five years ago, I was on top of the world. I was 33, happily married to a lovely man, and had recently had a series of huge career wins in a challenging field that I loved. Then things started to unravel: my company went bankrupt, evaporating most of my personal net worth with it.

Frustration aside, I love all of these people. I don’t want to cut them out of my life; if anything, right now I need friends and family more than ever because this is a very lonely and scary time for me.

I wish I could be more like her. I’m terrible at asking for what I need. But my advice to you is still to tell your friends what you need in very specific terms. So think about your friends and family. Think about who volunteered to host the bridal shower and who didn’t host but did all of the work when the host slacked off. Think about who shows up and how. Think about who never, ever shows up. Think about who gets you and loves you for who you are, and think about who looks like they’re sucking on lemons every time you open your mouth. All selfish-seeming friends are not alike, and many of them are worth keeping.

But I really don’t want to limit our discussion of your situation to the careless monsters and disappearing dickheads of the world. Because even when someone drives over with a baked casserole the second they get the bad news, there are smaller disappointments that accumulate into an even bleaker friendship picture. Personally, I go through phases where I’m extremely grateful and accepting of all of my friends, and then I unexpectedly find myself amazed at how weirdly shitty most people can be.

 

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