Are you exercising good judgment or being judgy?

Asking a friend to walk you home when it’s late at night or not entering a mosh pit at a concert for your own safety are examples of good judgment. But making safe judgment calls is not the same as being judgmental — when we fixate on faults and criticism. Being judgmental is making someone feel bad about their choice of clothing or haircut. It’s about publicly disapproving a colleague’s perspective or contribution with a tone of superiority.

Like many attributes, being judgmental is a learned behavior. Perhaps your parents disregarded your opinion or told you it was “ridiculous” for you to have an opinion, or your siblings criticized you, or your peers teased you. Judginess is often modeled by those who molded our values, character and behavior.But regardless of what has been modeled for us, we can work toward being less critical and judgmental and engage with others with greater compassion and curiosity.

The goal is not to agree with everyone all the time, but to unlearn judginess and to learn how to communicate your judgments by using, we have developed strategies to help people become an emotionally intelligent judge — or, better yet, an emotion scientist. Here are some tips to get started, along with signals to help recognize when you are being judgy yourself.Curiosity is the antidote to being judgy.

Being judgy may sound like: “You’re a grown woman. Why are you still living with your mom? It’s more than a little bit weird.” Or “Maybe stop being so co-dependent. Don’t you think it’s time to grow up?”Expressing your judgment may sound like: “For me, getting my own place was a big part of feeling independent. Maybe you feel differently — how do you see it?” or “I hear you, but I can’t really relate.

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