Difficult relationships often feel uniquely infuriating or painful. Leo Tolstoy famously wrote,"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
Oh, how we love to be right! When we're upset, we want to gather evidence, show that this offense is a pattern, and be proven that we are right and our partner is wrong. Let's say you messed up. You broke a commitment, you said something hurtful, or you over-reacted. Now you want to make things better, so you swallow your defensiveness, go to your partner and say,"I'm sorry." But instead of responding with, they start to launch into the reasons they are still upset. To you, this feels punishing, rejecting, and unfair.
Your partner tells you they're upset, and instead of dealing with the matter at hand, you pivot to complaining about how they expressed their feelings. Instead, try curiosity rather than defensiveness. It's tough to hang in and keep listening instead of launching into defense mode, but that is precisely what mature relationships require us to do. Do your best to slow the conversation down, take several beats before you react, and make sure you understand what the problem is before sharing your response. If you don't get it, ask neutral questions until you can reflect your partner's concern to show you understand.
In a healthy relationship, your partner wants you to be happy. If that isn't the case, you need to reevaluate whether you want to be with this person. I often hear,"But he should know what I want," or,"I don't want to have to tell her every single thing."
Yeah, but I'm an intentional saboteur.
Good advice. First though, Jackals need to learn the language of Giraffes, and not everyone is naturally empathetic, or even sympathetic. nvc
Well it is easier said than done, because both the partners already have pressures to play the game by rules in all other facets of life and have normally exhausted themselves so much that when they are together (at home) they let the moment guide them. Worth applying though!
Guilty.
Active listening is a vital skill in all that we do. Hearing vs. listening is a big deal. Also, have to work on not listening only to respond. Glad to see it made the top 5.
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Source: Mirror Celeb - 🏆 476. / 51 Read more »
Source: HuffPostParents - 🏆 414. / 53 Read more »
Source: HuffPostWomen - 🏆 27. / 68 Read more »
Source: washingtonpost - 🏆 95. / 72 Read more »